Depressed and confused and don't know why

Hello my name is Nicole,

My boyfriend was diagnosed with seminoma cancer January 17, 2012 at the age of 19. He had to go through chemotherapy for 4 months. We were told on May 30 that he had beat cancer. It was the BEST news ever. Through this bumpy journey with him I could not have loved him anymore, but recently I have been losing the "in love" feelings and I do not know why. When I first found out that he was diagnosed with cancer I thought I was going to lose him, but now that he is cured, I still feel like im losing him because i feel that im falling out of love with him and i feel HORRIBLE! Shouldnt our love be stronger than ever that we went through this crazy journey together? I am so confused and depressed, if anyone can relate or even understand what im going through (because i cant) then please give me advice.

Thank you,


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  • Nicole- I can understand what you are going through. The dynamic of your relationship changes when you are caring for someone who has such a serious medical condition like cancer and I'm assuming after they are in remission it's hard to go back to how things were before (we aren't quite there yet.) However, a diagnosis (and treatment) like cancer does change people and it really could be that you don't love him anymore. Probably not what you want to hear but I have seen throngs of friends and family members get divorced after facing a major crisis together, I think if it doesn't bring you closer together then it does drive you apart. I would recommend being open and honest about your feelings and maybe meeting with a relationship counselor together. And don't forget that you're young and it may be that he isn't "the one."

    I hope this helps!

  • you're not the only one this has happened to. lots of relationships end after a cancer diagnosis. some much more deeply involved than yours.

    also, it's very much worth noting that as a relationship matures, those early "in love" physical attraction feelings get replaced by a deeper emotional love. It's entirely possible that that process for you has been accelerated by going through this difficult situation. with my wife, those early "in love" feelings had been well on their way to fading when I got sick. we absolutely do love each other still, but that love is different than it was early in our relationship.

    there are ways to rekindle those "in love" feelings, but they never really rule the relationship once you develop that deeper love. they are there in the background and it's one of those aspects of a relationship that take work. there are a lot of ways to do it. it depends a lot on you and your partner. I am no expert on that, but I do know that people dedicate careers to that one issue.

    the first thing I suggest is to be honest with each other about your feelings. that level of communication in a relationship is the biggest key to making it work.

    then do some reading about things you can do to rekindle your feelings. try some of the suggestions. if those don't work and you're serious about making the relationship work, consider seeing a relationship counselor.

    one thing that works for me is to do spontaneous, adventurous stuff with my wife. she "says" stuff like that freaks her out (she is a planner), but she actually enjoys it when I take her off script to do something fun.
  • NicoleHNicoleH Community Member
    Thank you Emily, it does make sense what you're saying and i feel a little bit better that i am not the only one who is going through this.

  • NicoleHNicoleH Community Member

    Yes i told my boyfriend how i felt and he wants to work on our relationship and so do i. So maybe it will be a good idea to see a relationship counselor, because he is my bestfriend and i want to be back in love with him so much.

    Thank you,
  • akay83akay83 Community Member
    Relationships are built on your commonalities. I don't mean enjoying the same food or movies, but having common goals, forming bonds during shared experiences, and sharing your outlooks on life. Overcoming cancer has been a common goal for you -- a tribulation that's allowed you to form some deep bonds.

    With that driving force gone, it's natural that you might feel a void because you've grown so used to relating to him through the lens of cancer. It might just be that right now you don't know how to relate to him as just a person -- not as a patient or as someone who needs your help to tackle daily challenges.

    And like Emily mentioned, sometimes at 19, you love and treasure someone, and yet they aren't the right person for you. You sound like you're off to a good start by being open and honest.