i thought i was stronger than this, but some days (about once a week now) i find myself struggling with everything. although the chemo doesn't completely destroy me, it does make me weak and tired, and we don't even know if it is doing anything yet. living mri to mri is scary at times, not knowing if what we are doing is helping or not. my mom's (my primary caregiver at this point) primary goal right now seems to be making sure i have the best quality of life possible, which i guess makes me nervous since she it a hospice nurse; which is also strangely comforting because I know that she will do whatever it takes to make sure I am not suffering. I wish the general diagnosis for brain cancer was better, and I lucky to have made it this far. If it had been before Avastin, most people only made it 6 months, maybe 2 years, but a 40-60% percent survival rate at 5 years is still pretty scary. at this point i basically have said screw work and to focus on me, not that I would have the energy to work. it seems the general consensus is that the cancer will eventually get me, and knowing that it is not likely that I will get to see my 4 month old nephew graduate high school is not easy, not to mention that having a long term relationship or a family is pretty much out of the question. i guess i sometimes wonder if i am the only one having these issues or not, and part of it is that my tumor is like a 10 a year thing, not to mention my allergy to temodar or the fact that my first port insection came open. well, at lest I feel a little better from typing all this out.