My Dad is driving me CRAZY

I went to seek a 2nd opinion outside of my home province, to a neuro-oncology specialist. I was being monitored closely at home and then referred to Montreal. In Montreal, I was told that the cancer had progressed and needed to be removed immediately before it gets out of control. Surgery, then chemo and maybe radiation. Ok. I can do this.

Then my Dad calls and asks what the doc said. I tell him, and he FREAKS. He was the one pushing for me to go to a bigger hospital. "How many times are we going to play Russian Roulette with your life?" He is concerned about the risks of surgery (5% chance of death or paralysis). All surgeries have risks, I'm young and healthy. He told my sister "there will be NO surgery."

Every time he calls asking for an explanation of the news, I get as far as the surgery and he flips out and hangs up. He says that I'm shutting him out because I won't let him come to my appointments. He is way too emotional to be sensible in one of my appointments. He says things like "You're not doing this, and you're not doing this." I am simply following the advice of my doctors and doing what is best for my health.

I understand that having an adult child with cancer must be extremely hard. I also understand that his reactions are coming from a good place, and he is trying to control the situation. He refuses to accept that none of us have control over my cancer, and that I am in charge of the decisions I make about my treatment. His anger is making me feel like I'm doing something wrong and that I don't have his support. The only time I cry is when he calls and tries to micro manage my medical care. I am starting to go crazy, and now when he calls I have no patience at all.

HOW DO I DEAL WITH HIGHLY EMOTIONAL PARENTS WHO CANNOT ACCEPT THAT I AM AN ADULT MAKING MY OWN DECISIONS? :(

Comments

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  • cut him out of your decision-making process. it's not like he's being constructive in helping you make an informed decision. he's being ridiculous.

    and if he continues to whine about being cut out, be honest. tell him why. tell him that if he can't be supportive, then he can't participate.
  • Nate is wise and I agree with him 100%. I am a parent of a young adult with cancer. I am also a cancer survivor myself, so I have an advantage that your Dad does not have. I have learned how personal this is. The insight that I can share is that my son's Dad lives across country. A month after my son's diagnosis, it finally hit him. Hit him hard. I saw the expression on my son's face when he listened to his Dad freak out a month later. My son was so upset and angry as he, himself, had already moved past that stage. I have to say that it made me angry that he was so "out of touch". My Ex then sent me several emails freaking out about his own loss. I was appalled. But then, my wise daughter pointed out how scared we ALL were at the time of the diagnosis, and suggested that we have some compassion for his "delay". That being said, your only responsibility is to do what you think is best for you and you seem like you are quite capable of making those decisions. If your Dad is not comfortable, then it is up to him to find support and resources to help himself and to be a better support to you. As time has gone on, I have added supports for myself, including this site. I get scared just like anyone else and I vent, but it is up to me to take action to be okay. It is not my son's responsibility. Try to tell him what you need, but do not feel guilty for anything. QUOTE=susiesunshine;7678]I went to seek a 2nd opinion outside of my home province, to a neuro-oncology specialist. I was being monitored closely at home and then referred to Montreal. In Montreal, I was told that the cancer had progressed and needed to be removed immediately before it gets out of control. Surgery, then chemo and maybe radiation. Ok. I can do this.

    Then my Dad calls and asks what the doc said. I tell him, and he FREAKS. He was the one pushing for me to go to a bigger hospital. "How many times are we going to play Russian Roulette with your life?" He is concerned about the risks of surgery (5% chance of death or paralysis). All surgeries have risks, I'm young and healthy. He told my sister "there will be NO surgery."

    Every time he calls asking for an explanation of the news, I get as far as the surgery and he flips out and hangs up. He says that I'm shutting him out because I won't let him come to my appointments. He is way too emotional to be sensible in one of my appointments. He says things like "You're not doing this, and you're not doing this." I am simply following the advice of my doctors and doing what is best for my health.

    I understand that having an adult child with cancer must be extremely hard. I also understand that his reactions are coming from a good place, and he is trying to control the situation. He refuses to accept that none of us have control over my cancer, and that I am in charge of the decisions I make about my treatment. His anger is making me feel like I'm doing something wrong and that I don't have his support. The only time I cry is when he calls and tries to micro manage my medical care. I am starting to go crazy, and now when he calls I have no patience at all.

    HOW DO I DEAL WITH HIGHLY EMOTIONAL PARENTS WHO CANNOT ACCEPT THAT I AM AN ADULT MAKING MY OWN DECISIONS? :([/QUOTE]