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  • Stay the course

    You seem to be doing everything that is feasibly possible to support your son in this most difficult time. Your are able to be emotional yet rational which is extremely hard under the pressure. Your first obligation is to yourself. If you do not stay mentally strong and physical healthy you will not be able to help your son. Your son's father is exhibiting a very normal form of behavior under these circumstances. It is unfortunate that he cannot display emotion and much of this may come from denial of your son's situation. He will only be able to help your son when he is able to help himself.

    Any good parent would feel guilt but understand it is not your fault that your son is ill. Any extreme form of behavior is unhealthy so my advise is to stay the course you are on which appears to be a good one. I wish you and your son the best and highly recommend you get involved with a support group of some type.

    My wife had a complete breakdown after my son started radiation therapy for his brain tumor. She was unable to function for several months. It took some time for her to get back to living. To this day (17 years after our son's surgery and post treatment) she still is not comfortable talking about cancer.

    Stay strong and move forward.

    Best regards,

    Lou






    hopestrong;7825 said:
    First, thank you to all who read and reply with any and all bits of potential help. My son was diagnosed 5/11 w/ 1:1,000,000 cancer and in 3/12 told it was terminal. We didn't accept that and sought HOPE. It's been 21 months on this journey with 8 surgeries, lots of chemo, radiation. Lots more details could be given, but to save time I want to say what the issue is and see if anyone has advice. Specifically, a parent who dealt with this OR a young adult who did -successfully. His father has never parented him emotionally. He was physically present only. What that means is I did my best to raise a young man of character and his father undermined it from fear of conflict. So my son entered this with tons of anger. He is a disrespectful and ungrateful person and always has been. Even though we are hopeful he will survive, as his mother I have had to balance knowing what I know as his advocate with my desire to be positive and vision healing. I'm a problem solver able to focus on projects and goals. As his mother who knows him so well, I knew intuitively what my job was for him since last year: to work on interchangably the 3 equal parts of the apex at the top of the pyramid from my perspective (what I can have an affect on vs. control). 1. getting him the best medical care possible (he has the whole country's top docs on it 2. creating/providing/supporting him to enjoy his passion(music) and joyous experiences (bucket list of sorts), and 3. working to support him to reach for his highest self vs. enabling him to behave naturally without this growth. Why? Because I can't cure the cancer only the docs, meds, and his own contributions to his wellness can do that, but I can give him the tools (docs, meds, and all the other kinds of support needed to help them all help him). Because if they are right and he doesn't have long here, I need to know I gave him as much fun and joy as I could. Because if they are right and he doesn't have long here, I have to do my best to prevent him from dieing with terrible shame and regret for how he has treated me. Others on this site have told me to walk away a long time ago because his behaviour towards me is just too abherrant (like the kind you see on tv. where the despicable boss mistreats the employees like they are crap on his shoes). I can't walk away for good (not yet but I have come close many times) but I do walk away in the moment when he is doing it as the young adults here themselves told me to do

    HERE'S THE PROBLEM; His father does not do it, he encourages it by enabling it to continue (vs. shutting him down by walking away and telling him it's unacceptable) so he is undermining his ability to stop spiraling and learn to be respectful.He adds fuel to it , validating it. Cancer counselors told him to stop. Young adults here told me to tell him to stop. He just can't do it. My hope is that someone will have some wise words I can share as a last ditch effort to have my husband hear that might get through to him. I'm desperate. Trust me when I say I know my son and what will happen if he doesn't start behaving - he will be on his deathbed looking up at me with such regret vs. being able to say "i'm sorry i wasn't nice to you for so long but at least I started to get better didn't I?" knowing it is true and I can then acknowledge that for him lovingly. He knows I don't lie so I can't look at him and do that unless it's true. He would know and that would be insulting to him and not a way to die having your mother who never lied to you lie to you this way.I'm the only person in the world he can trust to never leave him. Everyone including father and girlfriend have left him at various times because it wasn't convenient to be there for them. I'm the one person he can trust. Trust is based on honesty. I can't lie. Any one ever have to deal with an adult who was afraid of their child so much (always has been) that even within cancer he couldn't help his son become a mensche but then did figure it out? I have accepted we all die and I might lose my son. A horrible thing for a parent to have to come to accept. But I can't accept that if he has to die that he has to die w/ shame for who he was vs. proud. His father does get him to stand done when he is rude to his father. But that's rare. He just can't do it for anyone else, not even the son. Thank you all.