can't do it alone

hi my name is julie, i'm 29 yrs old and my BF was diagnosed with a bone marrow cancer called Multiple Myeloma. He is 32 yrs old and is fighting for his life. he was diagnosed about two years ago now, it's been a rough two years to say the least. i've always prided myself on being a strong woman, but lately i have been feeling less than stellar. my bf has been doing chemo and had a bone marrow transplant, with everything going on i've kind of lost sight of my own health. i am feeling so emotional and out of control so i've decided to take time off of work and focus on me and be able to help him without hurting myself. i've been feeling really guilty about taking time off work and depending on others to support us. I have never gone through anything like this before, I am always so worried we are making the right decisions. cancer is so hard to navigate through, i so many doubts and fears. I know i'm not the only one who feels this way, but i'm the only one I know who feels this way. i'm hoping maybe putting my thoughts out there and reading other people's stories will help me not feel so alone. cancer sucks, stupid cancer!!!!!!

thanks for reading:)
Julie

Comments

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  • eglantineeglantine Community Member
    Hi Julie. My boyfriend has leukemia and I can relate to a lot of your feelings. In the first couple months after his diagnosis I was a wreck. I gained 3kg (around 6.6 lb) in a short amount of time. I didn't take time off work but I spent a lot of time crying in the bathroom. My free time was mostly crying, doing more research, more crying.... It was the end of most of our future plans. I'm not as far in as you are, but I think there's a sort of 'caretaker fatigue' that happens. Like you fight, and fight, and stay strong next to them, but you get so burnt out from acting tough all the time. You can't share your fears with them because you don't want to overburden them. You get to so focused on their struggle that you forget about yourself-- like, before cancer you were the star in your own life story, but after cancer, they take over that spot.

    But don't feel guilty for the support you're getting! Even though cancer isn't happening to your body, it's happening to your life. I think it's great that you're taking time off. Not only will you be able to give yourself some much needed R&R, but once you get some balance back in your life, you'll be helping your bf out, too. You'll be better equipped to keep supporting him. You're doing a great job and he's lucky to have you beside him!

    If you ever need to talk to someone about it, you can message me anytime.