Hey everyone! I think we're all familiar with guilt about certain things, but recently I've been having a lot of trouble coping with my partner's infertility and a future without children.
When my boyfriend was first diagnosed he started treatment right away, the next day, There wasn't any talk about fertility or future children. Later, we learned he would need a bone marrow transplant to have any hope of a cure. After chemo, there would be a low chance of fertility, but after the transplant... I won't say impossible, but realistically, it won't happen.
I try not to think about it. I can't help but feel a deep sense of loss. We were really, really looking looking forward to having a family. There are no options for us right now, though. I would be open to a sperm donor or adoption, but in our country sperm banking is illegal, and adoption is considered shameful (I don't agree of course, but it would be a hard life for our child; most families who adopt move far away and never tell anyone the kid is adopted, so they can live a normal life).
I know that, if I had to choose between having him in my life, and having children, I would choose him every time. And this is where the guilt comes from.
I feel like I should just be happy he's still alive. Like, he's fighting for his life right now, at this very moment. We don't even know if he'll still be here next year, or next month, or even tomorrow. And it isn't like I'm the only one suffering-- he wanted them badly, too. I feel guilty that, despite all this, I'm still hung up on children. I even get jealous of older people with leukemia (which is super fucked up), because they've already lived their lives and seen their kids grow up.
Does anyone else feel this way? Is it just a 'grieving' process that I'll get through in time? I'd like to hear anyone else's thoughts!