I don't even know where to begin

Furious! Thats what i am. Utterly infuriated. That's not even a good enough freaking adjective. I have been sitting on my couch fermenting in utter anger for the past I dunno how many hours. " Why Halley? Why are you so upset?" well! Let me enlighten you. Not only have I had to forfeit my entire life as I knew it in the past four months because of my damn cancer diagnosis, no that wasn't enough. The universe wasn't happy with that. It seems that chemo isn't working. It. Isn't. Working. In four months I went from a happy single 20 year old living on her own with a great job and attending a phenomenal four year university to a cancer riddled 9-days-shy-of-21 year old living in her parents house sharing a room with her sister with no job and at a community college. EVERYTHING I have worked for is all but gone EVERYTHING I've dreamnt about since I was a kid is no longer an inevitability, it's barely a possibility now. my school career is starting to sound like it's gonna have to put on hold because cancer is a full time job. I don't have the energy to do my actual job so I'm now unemployed. I couldn't live alone so I had to move back home with people who dont even know I'm a freaking cancer patient. My friend's have all but forgotten my existence since I'm always too damn tired to go out. My boyfriend only exacerbates the situation with his angsty anxious silence or his nervous milling about unsure of how to help the cancer kid. You know when I was younger I thought cancer only happened to old people. In my sheltered unknowing little mind I was convinced that if cancer was gonna come kick my ass it wouldn't be until after I was a mother of five, in a cute little house with a happy husband and some dogs with an art school under my direction and an arts foundation that was thriving. It couldn't be until after I had achieved everything that every little girl dreams of that I'd have to forfeit life as I knew it. But here I am. Supposed to have my whole life ahead of me except chemo isn't working. I don't even know what my options are now because all my ears heard was "you're not responding to chemo..." and then his voice trawled off, and the room went fuzzy and I was full of anger. Anger at the universe for giving me cancer. Anger at my body for not being healthy in the first place. Anger at everything. I want to yell and kick and scream but at what? At who? There's no one I can blame. There's nothing I can pin my shitty diagnosis on. Maybe I'd feel justified in my anger if it was directed at someone. "yea Roger gave me ALL stupid Roger... He's such an ass." see? That I could deal with. But no I feel like the size of an ant and little ant me is yelling at the big bad world above her but there's no gratification in that. I just feel ridiculous ... Mostly because I just compared myself to an ant.... I'm 20 years old. I should be out discovering the world, and myself. Traveling and learning and enjoying a carefree life. Instead I live the life of an 80 Year old worrying about medication cycles and doctor appointments and whether I can get an infection from such and such and having no energy to do anything and the realization that the next year might be nothing but an unsatisfied hope. Wanna know why its ALL? Because you give up ALL your energy. You forfeit ALL your chances of a normal social life. Because ALL your friends dont invite you anywhere anymore cause "youre not much fun nowadays" anyhow. Because ALL your hopes for your lifetime much less the next hear are either unachievable, or barely possible now. What if I don't make next year? Or the year after? I mean, I'll be dead I won't care but ... I always thought I wouldn't die until after I left something behind. A family, a foundation, a school... Something that would make a difference. And not because I was dead but because it did good. It made a change. And now.... I can only hope I'll be a mom or a teacher or the president of a board I dunno.....

I'm tired. I'm scared. I'm lost. I'm lonely. I don't want to keep fighting cancer, it's been winning so far. There comes a point where i just get tired of it kicking my ass and ive reached that point. I'm tired of trying to keep friendships up it's not easy, and pretty pointless now since I'm nowhere near a party animal. I'm tired of being subject to the control of something other than myself. I'm upset that everything I've tried so hard to achieve is slipping through my fingers because my body can't get it together. I dont know what to do. I barely know who I am anymore outside of "Halley the cancer patient." I dunno what my life is for... I feel like I'm five again hiding under my blankets afraid of the dark, shivering, with silent tears rolling down my face hoping the monster in the closet will go away. But my dad can't shine a flashlight in the closet and tell me the cancer is gone :/ god I'm such a mess.

Comments

  • 13 Comments sorted by Votes Date Added
  • DanGruDanGru Community Member
    You're right this is absolute bullshit. What the fuck did anyone do to deserve this kind of bullshit this young. I'll tell ya what, no one did anything to deserve this. I cheated on an astronomy test in high school once, that's the worse thing I can think of. So it def makes sense that I get brain cancer... Shoulda seen that one comin I guess.. I wish I had some kind of advice to make you calm down/feel better but you're rant here sums up pretty much my entire past 2 years. I'm not Dan, I am Dan the guy with brain cancer. I promise you that you are not alone when it comes to this aspect. I'm sure most people here can relate to the alone and tired of dealing with this shit part. Honestly everyone has there bad days, I have them often but you've gotta change your attitude. Best advice I've been given was from a guy I used to work with. Right after my diagnosis and before my brain surgery, people started finding out and he told me this, " You've got a brain tumor?" I said yeah it sucks. He said do you have control over it? I had no idea what he meant but I said probably not I don't know. Well don't worry about stuff you have no control over, only makes things worse. If you really think about that it makes complete sense. I have tried to do that and I think it has helped. Point of it is if you're friends are bailin on you, don't worry about them. Most of the time people do that shit because they don't know how to handle it. I had plenty of friends do that to me. You'll find friends that you didn't know you had who step up and help. You have no idea what's going to happen in the future, don't worry about what will happen next year, etc.. Control what you can right now, even if it's not much. Chemo takes a lot out of you, energy and you're emotional well being. It happened to me. My opinion, work on your attitude towards it. Try to make it as positive as you can. Even if it's not all the time or often, do it. Again I promise you, you're not alone. I've lost a lot of friends, I have one sister and that's it. She is starting her own family so I don't see her often as I'd like too. I live by myself, and very rarely go out or even get offers from friends to go out. I stopped worrying about it and doesn't even affect me anymore. Hopefully you took something away from this unorganized response and even if it only slightly helps then good.
  • SickkidSickkid Community Member
    It does help thanks Dan. Usually I do have a good attitude, I guess I was just so blindsided by the news my happy attitude went to hell in a hand basket. I'm gonna try and not worry though. Thank you Dan. From the bottom of my heart.
  • SickkidSickkid Community Member
    I don't know what's going to be the next step, I wont know til about an hour from now. I've got an appointment to figure it out since I wasn't really listening the first time. I'm not at peace with life, but I've accepted it. I know the cancer is pretty bad, so I took cautionary measures this weekend and set up my estate ... Dictated my last will and testament. That.. That was the hardest thing ive ever done. My poor lawyer wasn't sure what to do with me. And I made my bucket list. Been writing and revising it for like twenty four hours but it's mostly written. I'm not giving up yet (that's not me) but I want to ensure that everything is taken care of and that I live out what could be my last days as best I can. So depending on what the next step is. I fly out in three days to Italy. Going to go to the land of my fathers and enjoy the sights and the land (my family is from Sicily). Will be there for a few days then going to Paris and London to see some old friend's and enjoy the little things you can only get there. Ending the fun in ireland because I've always wanted to go there. Everything else I'll systematically take out as I can. I'm making a point to do as much theatre as I can. Gonna record a cd... Just one, just so I can say I can. Gonna try and start dancing again. Just for fun nothing serious. And I'm going out as much as I can. Even if it's for a walk around the block I've challenged myself to go outside for at least twenty minutes every day. So a new era of a cancer life has begun. Just hope it's a good one :p
  • SickkidSickkid Community Member
    Ahaha Shay you make me giggle. I got to the end of your post and literally laughed out loud. My sister is here getting ready for graduation with my goddaughter and she gave me the funniest look because I giggled so hard. I think you found the humor hun.
    I know I'm lucky and I'm grateful for that. I'm one of the luckier ones.
  • DanGruDanGru Community Member
    Sorry I am a little behind on this response but Halley I'm glad my advice helped and sounds like you're doing better. Those bad days do happen and since I've written that I've probably had at least 2 or 3. Shay, you're response with going out even though you don't feel like it has inspired me to do the same. I very rarely go out cause I never feel like it. But I'm going to just suck it up and do it. I am tired a lot and it effects my nightlife. During the day I get out but night time is very difficult for some reason. So now I am experiencing another problem that I don't know if I should do something about or just let go. I'd like a girls perspective on this. So during my radiation, chemo and recovery from brain surgery about a year and a half ago I am pretty sure there was some infidelity going on with my ex girlfriend. I lived with her and she stayed out every night or came home very late. She was very vague and defensive when I asked her where she was and why she wasn't answering her phone. I asked several times if she was cheating and she always denied. But now we are broken up and I moved out she has been hanging around the same guy I suspected she was with before. My gut has always told me she cheated but could never prove it or get her to admit. Now it's kind of a moot point but my instinct is too make a huge deal about this and tell her family and just ruin her credibility as an honest girlfriend. I don't know, I kind of forgave her for the incidents cause she said she was having a hard time dealing with the whole situation ( me having cancer..) so she would go out to relieve the stress. Now she's hanging around this guy it makes me very angry that I know she did that and lied to me. Since I'll probably never really know for sure what happened but my gut tells me she did, what do I do?? Or do I just keep my mouth shut and be cordial still?
  • DanGru;8338 said:
    Sorry I am a little behind on this response but Halley I'm glad my advice helped and sounds like you're doing better. Those bad days do happen and since I've written that I've probably had at least 2 or 3. Shay, you're response with going out even though you don't feel like it has inspired me to do the same. I very rarely go out cause I never feel like it. But I'm going to just suck it up and do it. I am tired a lot and it effects my nightlife. During the day I get out but night time is very difficult for some reason. So now I am experiencing another problem that I don't know if I should do something about or just let go. I'd like a girls perspective on this. So during my radiation, chemo and recovery from brain surgery about a year and a half ago I am pretty sure there was some infidelity going on with my ex girlfriend. I lived with her and she stayed out every night or came home very late. She was very vague and defensive when I asked her where she was and why she wasn't answering her phone. I asked several times if she was cheating and she always denied. But now we are broken up and I moved out she has been hanging around the same guy I suspected she was with before. My gut has always told me she cheated but could never prove it or get her to admit. Now it's kind of a moot point but my instinct is too make a huge deal about this and tell her family and just ruin her credibility as an honest girlfriend. I don't know, I kind of forgave her for the incidents cause she said she was having a hard time dealing with the whole situation ( me having cancer..) so she would go out to relieve the stress. Now she's hanging around this guy it makes me very angry that I know she did that and lied to me. Since I'll probably never really know for sure what happened but my gut tells me she did, what do I do?? Or do I just keep my mouth shut and be cordial still?
    Cut the toxic people from your life. That means the cheating ex, and any remaining connections to her. That includes her family. If they want to know why, be honest, but don't dwell. Just get rid of that mess from your life. No need to drag the situation out by bringing up the probable infidelity (that you have no concrete proof for) again. Move on, bro.
  • SickkidSickkid Community Member
    I'm sorry I'm so late on the draw with my response. But here it is:

    Shuddup and be cordial. You'll be drudging up old feelings of resentment which will just poison your soul and if you still have the same social circle you'll end up looking petty since there's no proof. I know your gut says she cheated and on an emotional level she probably did. But she may not have physically cheated or even thought of it until after you moved out. Some girls just need to have another strong male figure in their life aside from their boyfriend to lean on especially in emotional tasking situations. Currently, I have my best friend and my boyfriend. It may seem unfair but I invest more emotionally with my best friend because he understands being a sick kid better (he's a heart patient) whereas I invest physically with my boyfriend. I think she was probably just trying to find a way back to normal as best she could because she couldn't deal with the cancer. But yea, I stick by what I said - dont go badmouthing her, honestly I'd just tell her. But if you confront her a last time (because you wouldn't be able to drudge it up after you did) you'll have to offer her forgiveness. Show your hand - tell her what you suspected, that you don't understand it but for your own peace you need to know and just hear her out. Whatever she has to say let her say it, open that door. Then whatever happens just bury the hatchet.

    Didn't read the guys responses until right now and man is mine different haha and long (sorry). I guess just remember all girls are different so I could be totally wrong. Whatever you feel is necessary to remedy the situation do it and then they're right - cut all ties. Just don't do it with hostility. Any who, any other Ask-A-Girl questions you've got I'll be happy to answer :) hope you're all having a good day.
  • Frankly, if my wife didn't invest emotionally as well as physically with me, we'd not be married now.

    When I was in the dating world, sure, I wanted to have some fun in the process, but the entire goal was to eventually find someone to settle down with. I always asked myself if I was willing to invest more (emotionally and physically) into a relationship. If I ever decided a relationship was not worth investing more, I moved on and was honest about it. I did not play games.

    I dated a girl once who tried to play games when she reached that decision for herself. She closed herself off from me and tried to make me out to be the bad guy. I don't play that crap and forced a mutual separation. She invested in a different guy emotionally, also. I think that was part of the separation issue. She just wouldn't invest anything emotionally in me and didn't have the courage to own up to that.

    Emotional cheating is still cheating. Doesn't matter if she had sex with him nightly or she told him things she wouldn't tell Dan. My wife and I tell each other EVERYTHING. We don't fight, but we disagree about things (handling it like mature adults), so there is no reason for us not to tell the other. If I learned that my wife was keeping emotional secrets from me and instead sharing them with someone else, especially another guy, I'd be very hurt and it would jeopardize our relationship and injure the trust we have with each other. And I know my wife would feel the same way if I was keeping emotional secrets from her and sharing them with someone else, especially another woman.
  • SickkidSickkid Community Member
    I guess it doesn't bother me because I don't plan on settling down. I did, once upon a time. But it seems like a lifetime ago since that was a goal in my life. As my prognosis slowly turns further and further down I've abandoned a lot of those notions and Anthony (my boyfriend) knows that. But you're right because it bothered him. We broke up today. It seems a bit insensitive but I really dont mind. I guess for me cancer is easier to deal with alone, without the company of a significant other. *shrug* anyway, hope you're all doing well.
  • SickkidSickkid Community Member
    No need to be sorry, I knew it would come eventually when I got diagnosed. Not many new "cancer couples" make it yah know. But yea I understand. Good to know I'm not weird for wanting a sort of solitude as I go through this.
  • I know it sucks so much. I was 13 almost 14 when I was diagnosed with a brain tumor. The first thing I could think of when they told me was, "I'm only 13 I still have my whole life ahead of me!" but after coming home and researching so many things about cancer, I found this quote and it said, "When something bad happens you have three choices, let it destroy you, define you, or let it strengthen you." You can't let cancer get in the way of your life, so you may only have a short period of time till you have to go, so live your life to the fullest, do the things you would never do before. It's a crazy world, but you can't let cancer destroy the one life you have to live.