Here we go again!

My husband has been fighting or enduring brain cancer now for almost 3 years. too many treatments to care to run through but he just finished Temodar/chemo after 12 long months. Things were going well so in May we decided to put our house up for sale. And we sold it within two weeks. Now we have been super stressed trying to find a new house. On Father's Day we all got together at my moms for a cookout and Ben got up to go to the bathroom and he froze in the doorway. His mom watches him like a hawk anyways and said AUTUMN! And I jumped over there and held him so he didn't fall. I'm not a Dr. but I've seen this man have many many different kinds of seizures and I believe this was what this was. Now he did speak mumblie to me as I asked him if he could hear me. We sat him down and within minutes he was back as he said I'm back. :) Now he knew that afternoon as we sat around people and ate that had happened. We pretended like it didn't though. And yesterday I got up for my own Dr. appt and cried the whole way there thinking this is it AGAIN! He hasn't had a seizure since July 4th 2012, his second brain surgery on July 5th 2012. So last summer when these same kind of seizures started he had regrowth and ended up having a more aggressive type of brain cancer. So he went on chemo for a year and here we are now. He is to get results of this MRI from last week this Friday.

The problem. When I went to talk to him about it yesterday he got very angry, he's very afraid of losing his license again, he's only had it back for 6 months. While of course safety is number one if not for himself for others this lies in my hand. But we are talking about taking a 35 year old grown man that is stronger than me I might add keys away and fighting. In the middle of everything else we have going on. So I know I need to suck it up and be the "bad guy" but it kills me. He will accuse me of being against him and not loyal to him. Which rips my heart out. We've been down this road. We fought for weeks last summer while he was having seizures and hiding them from me. OR trying to. It makes me feel better that several of us saw it last Sunday. So I'm not alone. His mother spoke to his Dr.'s nurse for me yesterday, she is going to talk to the Dr. and we will see what they say tomorrow maybe?! Now I'm wide awake knot in stomach and do I hide the keys? Did I mention my husband is a mechanic as well? So I'm like do I need to take the battery out of his truck? So his Neuro Dr. had explained to us in January that he wouldn't take his license away unless he lost conscieness(spelling?) I'm like okay but then you are counting on me to know this?!!! I mean he sat down and spoke to me. But I don't want that responsibility!!! :( I don't want to fight with him either. I don't want to hurt him either. I know this is hard and he's scared.

This cancer thing sucks! :( Will the last memories of my husband be he doesn't think I was loyal to him? I know it's the disease but it doesn't make it any easier!!! I have no one to call right now to talk to either :( And my friends don't or can't really understand. Just because I know my husband has a terminal disease doesn't make it okay when he is dying. if he is in fact..and on top of it his mom working in the cancer field herself already suggested another chemo!! I'm like really?! Sorry if I don't want to see him sick again from that shit! And the one didn't work why would another work?!!! :( :( :( Not in a good place mentally and now we have to find a place to live, pack and move. OH and we had planned a vacation too for begining of July. WHY????!!!!

Comments

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  • Wow, that really sounds difficult... No wonder you feel overwhelmed! You have a lot on your plate.

    Your friends might not get it, but you can always post here! We all have different situations but we all understand what it's like to have life's rug pulled out from under us.

    Do you talk a therapist/psychiatrist? You're super busy, but even just talking to a counselor on the phone Skype or something might help, because you can tell me anything you need to and, unlike everyone else in your life, it's their job to listen!
  • Thank you! I do but haven't had time to see her and things weren't this bad a couple months ago. :/