It's funny how I don't remember how I found this group of great people that help us have a place to go like stupidcancer.org...but I tend to need different types of support during this journey of the unknown. Thought I'd throw some cancer cliches in there. lol I've grown a lot in the past almost 3 years of watching my husband go through so many ups and downs after being DX with brain cancer. I've changed so much. He's changed so much. We've learned to cope or to deal and to try to live and make memories for our only daughter who is now 11 which makes this even harder.
So I've noticed this pattern now looking back, you get some good time, you do what you will with it, but one day you will hit that speed bump. Last summer it meant patchy spots two months later another brain surgery/chemo for 12 months. Now he's been getting MRIs every 8 weeks since. He's been doing great. Got through chemo finished up last month. As of a week ago on Father's Day, whatever reasons he had something like a partial seizure. He's been seizure free since the day before his last surgery. We were told that if this is the sign for previous recurrence than this is likely how it will let us know now. So it took me a day and to be completely alone in the car, which is where I find myself crying alone. Ben goes into the this is not happening zone, but I know he knows. So last year I denied it for weeks. Now I still hold on to maybe it was the heat or he didn't eat or anything! But knowing full well that this could mean that it's growing again. He's had almost a year...when he wasn't sick from chemo which the first 6 months he was healing up from surgery #2 & chemo making him really sick. We changed the dose to lower and he was better. Just was down a week or so with "flu" like issues.
He takes 11 pills a day 10 for seizures 1 for anxiety/depression.
I know full well that a body especially a body fighting off cancer like his has been can only take so much. We both have gone through so many stages of grief and/or trying to accept this. So now i find myself drawn back to this forum when there isn't anyone that I can fully just talk to about anything. I have to keep strong and I have to not lose it and I have to keep it all together for Ben & our daughter. His mom will be there too, already worried. She works at the same cancer center & actually spoke to the nurse about this. Well Ben doesn't know that the Dr. knows what is going on. Which could mean nothing once we get any kind of news. We will see. It will go one way or another. And I honestly never know how I will take it. But I have to try really hard to let Ben know I'm here as much as I can be. He must feel very alone either way. He has to do treatment he has to deal with this in his way. I'm looking at this through my eyes. And I can't help to think about what life with be like for him once this disease takes hold fully. It is always there lurking around waiting to pounce. The truth is the treatments he's had had given us a lot of time with him. It is so precious.
We are supposed to move to our old home town end of July. We just found a house. Everything happening at once is out of this world to handle some days. This has been the longest 7 days of my life anyways lol. Note I will ask for a shorter time between MRIs and appointments.
So it isn't about stress or worry or keeping positive. It's having faith in us that whatever happens today that we will deal and keep a mind set where we can handle whatever comes. Break down when we need to but not get stuck there. No wasting time. Keeping strong for him & our family. I'll break down when I can. :P
I feel very fortunate to have a place to speak thank you!