I have been done with treatment for a little over a year now and I can say I am a survivor. However, I often find myself feeling stuck and overwhelmed. I am trying to finish up school and get back to doing what I used to do before treatment (which is proving to be difficult. On top of that, I feel like I have no social life because all my friends are gone off to college or getting married and starting families. My family is on my back a lot and there is a lot of pressure placed on me because they consider me to be "the responsible sibling". Unfortunately, that also makes everything harder because I feel like if I say anything about how I feel or ask for help, I'll get in trouble or just won't be listened to. If I am listened to, I often get the "guilt trip" since I have such a dysfunctional family. I also have a little bit of "chemo brain" which doesn't help anything. I feel like I have no motivation to do anything anymore and I find myself stressing out a lot which then leads to me having an anxiety attack. Sometimes it seems like the whole world is going on around me and I'm just watching everything happen. I'm tired of doing the same thing over and over again and I want to make changes in my life, but I'm just not sure where to start. All I know is I need to start living for myself, but when I start thinking about doing that part of me keeps me from doing that; like I'm holding myself back.
I don't think I have survivor's guilt, but I'm not really sure what you would call how I'm feeling, if you would call it anything at all. The only thing I can think of is stuck. I never really talked to anyone about any feelings I had when I was going through treatment because I didn't think I really needed to and I'm not usually one to say my feelings out loud. I guess you could say I hold things in until I blow up. I've always been that way. I don't know if any of the feelings I have now may be those I had during treatment or maybe even any from before that. It's very confusing and when I start to think about those feelings I get overwhelmed. I have been talking to the therapist where I got treatment and that has helped me a little bit. She has been working on finding a therapist for me closer to my house, but I haven't heard back from her yet. I am hoping to find out if she has found anyone next week, but for now I just have to keep waiting.