I don't feel like a fighter...

I don't know why people are so proud of me or are even inspired by me.  I am not really doing anything that special going through this.  I go to the treatments, they don't affect me as bad as they could, I almost had to take the course that may cause infertility, but I didn't have to (or don't have to yet at least).  It just weirds me out I guess, I really appreciate everyone's kind words, but I just feel like it is unprecedented.  I shouldn't be given praise for my good luck or pitied for my bad luck either.  I just feel really bad for people who are worse off and I don't feel good about myself.  I never really have, and I honestly didn't come on here to have a pity party thrown for me, but that has been the hardest part of this.  "Why me? I'm not special. Why not me? I'm not that special.  Why are you praising me? I'm just doing what I am supposed to and hopefully putting this in my past soon enough."  I think more than anything I am frustrated with the situation.  People don't need to worry or fuss over me.  I am strong enough to do this in the big picture, while sure there are days in the small picture that have me emotionally wrung out.  I hate having an excuse to not do things I do and don't want to do.  People assure me that I have a legitimate reason, but I am fine.  Or I am too stubborn not to be. I can carry this grocery bag a few feet and put it in the car, I appreciate the offer because yeah, it will probably make me a little tired.  But I am not completely useless, only slightly inconvenient at the moment.

Comments

  • 7 Comments sorted by Votes Date Added
  • I sometimes feel the same way too. I think what ticks me off the most is when people, nurses, doctors, basically just EVERYONE who see my bruises from bring poked so much for blood draws, they all gasp and say in the most annoying pettiest voice "OH MY GOD. Your poor hand, you have such a bruised hand. It hurts me, you poor poor thing." and I'm like "No shit it's bruised, I don't need to be reminded, I see it everyday. I don't need you to feel sorry for me, I do whatever I do to get the job done." >.<

    I also like to do things on my own. If I need the help, I'll speak up and ask for it. I don't need people to automatically do things for me. For once, I'd like to do things on my own so I don't feel like a rag doll.
    These are my thoughts, thought I'd vent along with you~

  • deashe40deashe40 Community Member
    I know this feeling....when I had to sit down and have my now ex husband shave my head becuz my hair was coming out in huge lumps...I cried. People think becuz I only had 6 months of treatments that I should have bounced back quickly, but I didn't. I instead had so much radiation damage to my insides(my cancer was cervical) that my intestines shut down n died. It almost killed me. Had to have major surgery to have part of them removed, I was 39, had to have a colostomy bag attached to my side for rest of my life. I've been on good days where I say "hey I'm alive" then there r more days at"why did I fight this fight to end up like this?"
    I do NOT want pity, it's an everyday battle to stay positive, but sometimes it's so hard. I feel like it's easier to just give up. Then I think bout my 3 grown kids and I now have a beautiful grandbaby that has given me new found energy. So please stay positive and STAY STRONG
  • whiteasswitchwhiteasswitch Community Member
    edited June 2015 Vote Up0Vote Down

    Personally, I came to understand that when it comes to cancer many people of our society are brainwashed by the war ideology.

    Our governments (public opinion) are using peoples fear of death and suffering in order to blind us. Meanwhile they are not taking up the responsibilities the way they should.

    A lot of money is being made using all sorts of narratives, meanwhile young people with cancer get isolated from society to an extent that many of them develop a depression that gets close to the idea of suicide (at least I did). Trying to express my rage towards this injustice, I find myself to be ignored.

    The paradox of my personal life is that I do believe I urgently need to work towards a language of cancer that does not involve words such as “war, against, victim, warrior, survivor”, while on the other hand I must make war with contemporary bad leadership.

  • this is interesting. i do not much like the war analogies such as bravem fight, soldier etc, but i like people acknowledging it is hard
  • its not war, its simply life and the hand you were dealt. i am currently going through cancer for the 2nd time. it hit me at age 8 and again at 20. I'm now 25 and taking chemo. fortunately 17 years later they have a pill form of chemo they previously did not have at age 8. having cancer, many say its 'the battle against cancer'. actually its the struggle against lifes hardships. people, especially my parents look at me and say, your my hero or your a strong man. I'm not, what we are... is tough. because at this point if you have gone through all of this mess and are still standing, then your tough and have gained experience. your not fighting a war your simply living your life and dealing with things as they come.
  • Can i ask you a question?
  • I could not agree more! I do not feel like a warrior - brave or whatever. I am just someone who got cancer (twice) lost my beautiful hair, had many surgeries and am pretty sick of cancer! You just do what you have to do....and hope for the best. I wish everyone on here the best.