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This may seem trivial to some. especial those still in treatment. But I have been having a harder time being done with treatment than when I was first diagnosed with Leukemia. I am struggling with all of your usual cancer side affects as they say; Fatigue, neuropathy, body image and so on. But what is hindering me the most is if I know if my struggle was valid enough? Also this going back to your old life before cancer just doesn't fir for me anymore. Its like putting the wrong sized Jigsaw puzzle piece in the wrong spot. I find myself going to work, doing my old routine before I had cancer and I get angry with myself; thinking I am wasting my second chance on life so to speak. That I am not living each day to the fullest moment but in the same breath I am just trying so hard to feel normal again since cancer took that from me too.
I Don't feel brave or a fighter. I was very positive and almost jovial during my 5 week hospital stay and over 120 chemo treatments. I had everyone rallying behind me and I knew I could do it, so I did. Then I got the best news I could ever receive; I'm In remission. I laughed, I cried, I celebrated. Then slowly but surely my cheering supporters grew quite. Now I was just Amy that "Had" cancer. Not that I ever want it back, but I feel like my strong confidant side died with the cancer cells. Now I'm the third wheel Amy, Bridesmaid Amy, not moving anywhere in life Amy. Once I stopped and looked around after my chaotic world had slowed down. My friends and family were moving on and I am a year behind in life. Everyone is just getting married, having babies, new promotion's and I'm just Amy.
Please do not take away from this that I am not thankful each and everyday to live life. See my friends get married, have their babies. To hug my family every night, cook my own meals, hell even drink a beer on the patio. But part of me is lost. Just because the cancer is gone doesn't mean it will be erased from my life. Cancer has taught me so many things both negative and positive. But one never shakes it shadow.
I hope others feel similarly please feel free to share comments and or advice. Thank you for taking the time to listen to me.