The journey..

I finished chemotherapy for stage 4 Hodgkin's lymphoma at the end of October. I made it through because of my boyfriend. He took me to every doctors appointment, worked two jobs, still managed to take care of me and make me feel beautiful and special even when I was bald and not myself.

After being done with chemo for a month, I found out that he lied about everything. The entire time I was at home sick in bed, he was cheating on me with multiple girls. Lying to my face about it. Lying about everything.

I can't help but want to blame myself. I was sick and bald and moody. Of course he cheated on me. He's only 20 years old. We didn't know how to cope with what we were going through.

When I found out, he offered no apology or explanation. I'm left here to question everything. Did he ever love me? Why did he stay for 5 years? How could he accept all of my praise about how wonderful he was and not feel guilty?

My feelings were real. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. And I'm so angry at him and myself and cancer.

The lump that I initially had biopsied that came back cancer went away as soon as treatment started. I just noticed yesterday that it is back again. I'm so terrified that it's not gone, and my journey isn't finished. If it's not, I have to do it alone this time. All I want is that comfort, even though I know he faked it all.

I read somewhere that spouses are more likely to cheat on their partner if they are going through cancer. Has anyone else heard this or have some information on it? My google searches didn't amount to much, but I am trying so hard to understand this..

Comments

  • 1 Comment sorted by Votes Date Added
  • I am very sorry you are feeling this directly...I have my own story with cancer, but know others as well. This does happen and I have often thought I may push my loved ones away because of the dynamics of the landscape we are now dealing with. However, with respect, one must be able to see the journey the one they love is trying to navigate and if they are not able to be a part of that...it is understandable, I would never fault anyone who could not walk this path with me...but we must feel completely safe in our vulnerability if we are to be strong..ya know. Cancer is a shared journey, if they can not make that, set them free so you can be. Stay strong my fellow warrior.

Leave a Comment