Anyone else get the manual on how to deal with this...

I was 36 years old, a two sport collegiate athlete that continued a lifestyle of training when my life changed forever...I was running the trails of Eugene OR training for an ultramarathon when I felt a very strange pop in my rib cage. I came home and my wife felt a strange bulge..I went to the doctor and found out it was just an awkward rib..probably from my playing a sport with a 100% injury rate.  However, the visit brought about other questions that concerned him, so I had a CT scan which showed something massive, then a colonoscopy which could not even be finished and then within a week they remove a tennis ball sized tumor...I had no idea. I was 36 in the best shape of my life, I was expecting the birth of my 5th child, my fourth daughter in 4 months..how could this be happening. I did only what I knew to do..I pushed the boundaries to the point my doctors thought I was crazy.  I needed to fight this disease in my way, I needed to push myself in training to the point of wanting to quit and in that moment I could feel cancer, I could put my hands on it and deny it what it wanted.  Over the next year I did 13 rounds of chemo, 5 rounds of radiation, had a colon surgery, and a liver surgery to treat my aggressive stage IV colon cancer.  I also ran 13 races, 3 in one week during March which is also national colon cancer awareness month and the month I was born, to honor those who have lost life in the battle.  I ran an 18 mile trail run 24 hours after having my pump removed from body..and one week after my 13 th round I ran 2 marathons in one week, I had never even ran one before..the first was so painful, I could feel everything my body had been through, every surgery with each step came shooting though my insides and I had to use more porta potties than water breaks...but I finished when I wanted to quit.  I fell into one of my best friends arms with pain shooting through my entire body..however something else was there..my family, my life...and they were worried.  They did not want me to run the next marathon, with good reason. I convinced my wife to let me do it as I was being recognized in my battle..she understood the importance to me.  So I ran and something amazing happened...I won the race. Life is stranger than fiction.  I could feel that my journey was greater than my own footsteps...

Three months later I went in for a scan and was told my cancer had returned to multiple sites throughout my body...and then it began.  All the strength I felt to fight was lost, every ache signified the possibility of the cancer spreading.  I started to drift away in my mind...and now I am lost.  It is so hard to look at the ones you love most, who see you as who were...but are not more. I am still using exercise as means to fight...but it is now very different.  I understand that we each have a path in our fight, our stories may be different...but the commonality we share is the very thing that takes us away from our loved ones..I am trying to balance out the fact I am going to leave some broken hearts and I will not be able to hold them..my children, who range from 17 to 14 months.  If this is to be my last chapter, I do not want it be on my knees as a broken soul..but something happened to my fire. I am not giving up, but I am asking for help...I believe we have strength in solidarity, we are cancer warriors, I have just lost my way and looking to find it again...do you feel me?