cancerversary

So first hello everyone, my name is Amanda, im 26 years old and married to the most wounderful man. I have endometrial cancer stage 1 grade 2. As the days draw closer to my cancerversary, im reliving that day more and more. The looks, the emotions, just the all around numb feeling. Its been ruff. This last august I had to undergo a hysterectomy. Which as you know takes any chance of having children biologically that is. I find it odd most days I think to myself I would have if giving the chance relived the day I got the news over and over if I could have been able to have children. Its werid when u think aboutthe things in life you would suffer for. The emotions that run through your head. Its even tuffer living in such a small town and not truely having anyone to relate with about this let alone someone my age who has cancer. I notice more and more people distancing themselves from me. The looks I get wjen they find out I have cancer as though im dead already or that in some way they will catch what I have. I always get the comments oh well one thing to be great full is at least you wont have a period or you know there is alway adoption. Its not that easy. I have trouble couping with all the things I wont have..the fears of what if. The confusion of how do I move on. Some days are better then others but the bad ones are the worst. Its hard because some people seem to act like I should be over it already..i sometimes wounder what they would do if put in my position not that I would ever in a million years wish this on anyone. I look backat photos and wounder who that person was what she may have been thinking about her life when I see myself in mirror it doesnt look anything like the person I once knew...I dont know about any one eles but the one thing that most people whould say to me thatwould eerck me the wrong way was" oh you seemed to be taking the news so well I would be a total mess". Really I may have had a smile on my face but so much pain I my heart I was screaming on the inside. I honestly dont even truley remember most of this last year I draw a blank on most things. I try not to look at things as if I failed or that what if I would have done something different I try to think I have to much to lose to let this win.

Comments

  • 2 Comments sorted by Votes Date Added
  • Unfortunately we can't fix or help with the comments people have to say. Just remember in their minds, they think they're helping. Only we who go through the treatments, fears, pain, etc understand what's really happening. Everyone's story is different. Try to process everyday slowly and find things to do that make you happy and just focus on those activities.


  • ang2157ang2157 Community Member
    Hi Amanda my name is Angela and I understand exactly what you are saying. It has been 12 weeks tomorrow since my hysterectomy. I too often thought what I would give or put myself through in order to carry and give birth to my own child. Truthfully speaking the infertility aspect of my situation devastated me more then the actual cancer diagnoses. I am still very much struggling with the aftermath of what happened these past few months. I often feel alone and confused and empty. I have put myself in therapy in hopes of learning how to manage and deal with my feelings. I always have to re,I don't myself that most people mean well when they ask those stupid questions or make comments. It is very frustrating. I now hate the questions "How do you feel?" It sounds silly but for some reason it is like a gut punch. What I really want to say is I'm not ok, I feel like I never will be, I no longer know what I want or what I'm doing and my life is in complete chaos. All I want to do is cry and disappear. Aren't you sorry you asked lol. All I'm trying to do right now is face each hour as it comes. Trying not to be upset with myself if I can't pull myself together. This is my first post and the first day on this site. I have been looking for something g like this for a while. I'm glad I found it and I'm glad I say your post. Be well!