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Tori825Tori825 Community Member
I have ovarian cancer that has spread throughout my abdominal cavity. This includes nodules on liver, cervix, abdominal lymph nodes, and my small bowel. I am also platinum resistant. According to all the doctors I've seen, this means my number is up. For ovarian cancer platinum based chemo is the big guns. If the big guns don't work, there aren't really any other viable options. So I've been given the big talk about how I need to be prepared for the inevitable. Phrases like advanced directives, buying time, and quality of life have been thrown around. I'm not in terrible shape at the moment. I'm still doing chemo and continuing with treatments but I was told not to hold my breath on those. I haven't been given any kind of time line. I've read online and my personal estimate based on my current health is probably a couple of years at most. It looks like my so called quality of life will steadily decrease until either a bowl obstruction, infection, or some other complication takes me. I've had a month or so to think about all of this. Strangely the dying part isn't what I'm hung up on. I just keep dwelling on the idea that I will never get married (again, I'm divorced), never even have the chance to adopt, never buy a home, and never have a career. I graduated last spring and now I won't even get to pay off my mountain of student loans. All I've ever wanted was to build a life for myself. To better myself and have a home, a family. Now I feel like I've wasted the last 25 years of my life. What do you do when your plan is pointless? I am not always a mess but I keep falling apart when I think about it too much. I also blow up at my boyfriend over stupid things. Then I think about horrible things like what will happen to my parents and my siblings when I die or what if I die before my niece is old enough to remember me. What will my boyfriend do with all of my things? Will he be able to take care of our dog on his own? I am full of all these questions and there are no answers. I know I'm going to die, I have no idea how long I have left, and I have no idea who I am without my goals and ambission. If anyone can relate or has advice, I welcome it. Please don't tell me to pray. I'm not an atheist but I don't claim a religion and if one more person tells me that God has a plan or that he heals all things, I might scream. I respect and admire anyone who has faith but it's hard to believe God is going to intervene when you have a disease that usually kills more than half of its victims who are usually over twice my age.