Hi.

I'm Amanda. 28 years old from the midwest in USA. 

This is just a small introduction for me, as I want to read through some of these posts and just find support through this website. I myself (that I know of, haha) don't have cancer. My mother was diagnosed with stage 4 Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer - Squamos Cell Carcinoma Feb 4th of this year. She passed away April 16 of this year, so she had a very short and hard battle with cancer. I feel a lot of things regarding her death -- Namely anger. Anger that her Drs were going in circles for over a year about her severe shoulder/neck pain, thinking she'd torn a rotator cuff when in reality, the cancer was completely disintegrating three of her vertebrae in her neck and had spread to her liver as well. She declined very rapidly after only a couple radiation treatments and then she had an allergic reaction to the Taxol (chemo) they tried and at that point, they said that treatment was no longer an option. 

I have never lost anyone close to me before this. 

I have never had anyone close to me go through cancer while I was around (A grandmother is a survival of colon cancer but that all happened before I was born, and my grandfather - My mothers father -- also died from lung cancer).

My mom smoked 1.5 - 2 packs of cigarettes per day, so her diagnosis was not shocking -- but her short time left with us was. I am struggling very much with grieving for her, all the guilt I feel for not being around more while she was ill and our troubled relationship while she was alive. Like a fool, I believed the Drs when they said a year was the general consensus and the first couple months, I tried to keep my head above water when I was with her, but she was difficult and that frightened me so badly I only visited once a week, or even less on some occasions...

Until my brother called me and said things had taken a turn for the very worst, and not even 5 days later, she was gone. I feel tremendous guilt, not only for my troubled relationship with my mom or not seeing her often enough before she died, but because I'm alive. I am the loner, the black sheep, I am ousted to the rest of the family... I can't help but think, it should've been me - My mom was so loved. I am the oldest of 4 children, two of whom are only 13 and 15 and still need their mother. 

My family has fallen apart since she passed. 

My best advice to anyone who has cancer or to anyone who's loved one has cancer: Tell them every. single. day. how much you love them and don't be so scared that you stay away... I just wish the Drs had actually done their **** job and found this way sooner. My mom smoked up to 2 packs a day and lung cancer was NEVER a though to them? Sigh. 

I miss her.