I guess I just need a moment to vent. I feel like being a cancer survivor is so difficult sometimes because you have to constantly stay strong. When you break, every one else breaks too.
I got a call from my oncologist two weeks ago that I had "graduated" from my scans and that my latest ct scan was clear. AMAZING news. I was thrilled. I posted to social media, called my parents and I celebrated. 2 days after my surgeon calls me to tell me that they found something in my scan they want to biopsy. where the f did the communication go between them?
I have been waiting a week and a half for a biopsy of my lung and its still a few days away. I have an amazing supportive boyfriend now that I didn't have before, but I still feel a sense of heavy dread in my chest knowing the spot in my lung could be positive again. Another positive lung nodule is another set of thoracotomies. I know I could go through it again but my goodness I really really am hoping that I don't have to.
I am able to talk to my boyfriend but he's not a survivor. He doesn't understand and can't console me in the way that i need. I need words, I need distraction. To know if things turn sour that i won't have to face it alone.
I'm so stressed I'm lashing out at my friends. it almost feels like my mind plays tricks on me and tells me no one really cares about me, but in my heart I know that they do.