I feel so overwhelmed.

I've never posted in one of these before, but I've been feeling really overwhelmed and alone and this seems like a good place to vent. Im 24, and I was diagnosed with stage 4 uterine leiomyosarcoma in Nov 2016, mets to some lymph nodes in my groin and my lungs. 3 days later, they cut out all my equipment and some lymph nodes, gave me a week to recover, did 6weeks of 5x/wk ineffective radiation and then signed me up for a clinical trial. I'm just started my 5th week of that.

I'm an RN, and I've been working through this entire thing because I need the health insurance, and my husband can't support us in his paycheck alone. You'd think I'd be more equipped to deal with this considering my career, but I feel like I'm drowning. Most people with this cancer don't even make it a year. I feel alright now, but but how long will that last? The clinical trial seems promising, but no one really knows if it will work. The anxiety is awful. And I can't tell anyone bc they all expect me to be some amazingly strong warrior all the time. I tell my patients it's okay to be miserable sometimes, as long as you don't let it consume you. My mantra has been "it could be worse", but I feel so guilty bc sometimes I just can't figure out how things could possibly get worse. And then I feel guilty bc at least I have access to good health care. I just wish I really was as positive as I make people believe I am.

Sorry for the rant, it feels good to just get these feelings out.

Comments

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  • "It could be worse" never made me feel better. I still do it, but it just makes you feel guilty for complaining. I always remind myself that I still had cancer, one of the scariest things that could ever happen to a person. You didn't choose to have cancer and you didn't choose for anyone else to have anyone else denied their healthcare. You've chosen a line of work does a lot of good. You don't have to be strong for anyone else. I know I put a lot of pressure on myself to set some kind of example, but it's my life and I can live it any way I choose. No one can be strong 24/7. It's not possible and it can drive a person nuts. I always have to say "Give yourself a break." You should be very proud that you've continued to care for others in the midst of your own struggles. If that's not strength I don't know what is. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's not fair to feel guilty about something you had no hand in. I would highly recommend checking out the regional support groups and 1to 1 peer matching links under the Connect header on the home page. There are a lot of good resources to connect with other young adults with cancer. Hang in there, I hope I don't come across as pushy, these are all things I have to tell myself everyday too
  • I'm sorry you have to go through all this Jamey. No one is ever prepared to handle such news, even heathcare professionals.
    It's ok to not be positive all the time. It's ok to be human and go through so many emotions.
    I had so many good, bad, positive, negative thoughts in my head during treatment. It's all so overwhelming. But you are not alone.
    Take it one day at a time.
    Go easy on yourself.
    Be kind to yourself.
    I wish you the best on this journey!
    Take care!!
  • goyafrgoyafr Community Member
    Look for alternative treatments, look into Ketogenic diet, imunotherapy, take care of yourself, you are the most important priority at this time. Wishing you all the strength.