Just Ranting

So I guess I would start off with some background. My dad passed away in 2001 from Leukemia when I was 11. He was the bread winner of the family so working 40 hours a week and going to school was something I did throughout my entire childhood. When I got to college, I worked part-time while taking a full set of 20 credits per semester to support myself as well as my mom back at home. When I graduated in 2013, I had virtually no debt and landed a job as an Investment Banker for Goldman Sachs. I thought that the past decade of struggling was finally worth it and I could just enjoy life.

Unfortunately in Jan 2014, when I was at a conference in Miami, I was rushed to the hospital for having intense fevers and swelling of my legs. There I was diagnosed with Cutaneous T-Cell Lymphoma. My boss decided to fly me back to Philadelphia for treatment. I went through 4 rounds of chemotherapy from February 2014-April 2014 which put me into remission for 2 months. By June 2014, the cancer was back. We tried a different chemotherapy which did not work. Then my Oncologist, decided to switch to a third type of chemotherapy. That treatment put me into a coma from Sepsis Shock for 2 months (Imagine going to bed in July and waking up at the end of August. Most insane experience ever). My Oncologist thought the chemo worked; so he decided to give it another go. This time the chemo put me into a coma for one month (guess my body was getting use to it and he stopped cause the treatments was making me go into a coma). I wasn’t so lucky the second time, as I suffered from extreme muscle atrophy. Took me a couple of months before I can walk again. It is now September 2014, and my Oncologist decided to try a 4th chemotherapy. It kind of work until March 2015 when I was rushed into the hospital again because my symptoms were coming back. From there, he issue a 5th chemo which worked but it slurred my speech way too much so he was force to stop it. On May 2015, he started me on my 6th chemotherapy and I’ve been on it ever since.

Over the years I had people say “You’ll get through this” or “Keep on Fighting” or “You’ll the Bravest Person I Know” and other encouragements. It is hard to explain it to people that never had to go through a life altering experience such as cancer. I don’t know about other people, but, I am more worry about life after cancer rather than the cancer itself. Before, in 2014, when I was receiving inpatient chemo, I felt like I had a purpose. That is, I felt that I was doing something. I felt like I was fighting cancer day by day. Now I get chemo, once a month, and I feel lost. Should I go back and get an MBA or go back to work? What if I decide to do one of those things and the cancer comes back full throttle? In addition, I find that being social has been extremely difficult. I keep thinking of what life could have been.
• I hang out with friends and co-workers on a monthly basis. I see people who are getting engaged, friends who got promoted, friends who are started their own companies, and friends planning the next country that they’re going to visit. I feel extremely happy for them. However, it always makes me depressed to think of what my life could have been right now if I never got sick.
• I feel like my life is stuck while everyone else is moving forward. Like I am missing out on my 20s and I will never get it back.
My kik is daviddl120 if anyone wants to rant or just talk.

Comments

  • 2 Comments sorted by Votes Date Added
  • Hey- I just wanted to let you know that a lot of what you've said above echoes sentiments I've felt on and off since diagnosis. I've been grappling with the desire to go to grad school and simultaneous fear of a reoccurrence forcing me to drop out for a while now with no resolution. I think your rant is totally justified and if you ever want to talk more, don't hesitate to shoot me a message here. I don't know if you're still in the area but, I'm also a Philly local and appreciate seeing some city of brotherly love representation here.