I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to do this

So I was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia last September and I am just now getting to the point of reaching out to others going through what I was. I was 23 years old when I was diagnosed, I had just got my associates degree, I was working two jobs trying to build my resume before returning to school to get my bachelors, and my boyfriend and I had just moved into our house together. Only for everything to get put on hold because look out I had CANCER. I took it in just like when my doc told me I had bronchitis the winter before, it was just a sickness you had to take meds for any you would get over it. At first I wouldn't even let people call it Cancer I had everyone refer to it as the "C" word,, I just didn't want to accept that I had cancer at 23. I went through treatment at UNC and I have a awesome social worker that works through the hospital and she would stop by every couple days to see how I was doing, if I needed anything..etc and always ended it with "would you like me to get you in contact with someone else your age going through this?" Uhm no, sorry but this was MY crisis I didn't think anyone cold relate, and now I really will never know if talking to someone would have made a difference but I truly believe it would have. I was so stuck on being stubborn and dealing with everything myself, but mainly because I lost all sense of personal space. I was never alone, which yes sounds great I had a great support system my family, my boyfriend, my friends but if they weren't around then a doctor or nurse would be. I was never alone and I was being stubborn about reaching out because that would of been one more person I would of had to keep up with, keep entertained. But see now I have noticed it wouldn't of been the same as being surrounded by my support system because unlike them I could of reached out and talked to someone that knew exactly what I was actually going through. Not someone I had to put on my smile for and say I am alright to but someone I could be real. It is kind of ironic having so much support yet nobody know what really is the best way to support you because they have no idea what you are actually dealing with. It is funny how the nurses were relieved to see me because almost everyone else on the floor was over sixty years old and didn't have many nice things to say, and the nurses would ask me what it would feel like to get my port accessed, if bone marrow biopsies hurt, what taste the chemo gave me, how my body felt because they had no idea. They were pumping my body full of chemicals and had no idea what it was actually doing to me, they had an idea but they have never lived through it, at least the nurses I had. Cancer makes you physically completely dependent but also mentally independent, but don't feel like there isn't someone out there that wouldn't understand, we will.

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