I'm 27, had brain surgery at 17. I went to college and tried to hide it from everyone and here I am 10 years later and I feel like everyone stares at me for I dont stare at them. I got so self conscious about everyone staring at me that I've stopped looking at people and my life has become such a downward spiral of constant bullies and assholes (pardon my language only word) who see this male has mental issues going on and I'm challenged. My whole life I always was fearless and smart and have done so much in my life that many spoiled rich kids would think I was lying about...building a house, sharpening knives for work, dishwashing...etc. I've finally had a enough of the world using me as a punching bag that I decided today I was going to reach out to my parents which killed me to do (pun?) and told them I need to be helped mentally. I have worked since I was 13, yet here I am with a college degree and cant get hired for anything since my last two BIG jobs let me go for Corporate layoffs (both times I was just the unlucky person). So I'm not well saved, I have no insurance, and cant get any check ups or do anything.
In short, people see weakness in my character and everyone wants to push me around. I cant think of the last time a girl talked to me, I purposely have to look away so I dont offend someone by me looking at them. My friends tell me Im good looking and this is all in my head, but the worst part is how they dont understand the way I feel and the evil I feel in others. I've often made the claim that even a holy priest would walk diagonally towards me just to shoulder bump me.
So what led to this post is that my parents who I had told a few times (since I cant tell my friends or anyone else) I told them the thoughts I have and how everyday is worse than the last for me....and it killed me to tell my parents, but I cant take this anymore. They recomend me going to see someone but I cant "be strong and change my mind like I usually do!" this is what my father said, when meanwhile I have been asking them for help for years. My father talked about how his friends sons killed himself "but he had demons.." what do you think I have?
I cant take this anymore. Ask those who know me, I try to be the nicest guy but i get so mentally exhausted from this act that Im burnt out. I'm afraid to go on medication... and especially since I'm poor and have no insurance. I'm paycheck to paycheck. I just dont get what I did to deserve this. When I was 13 I was able to walk into a pizza place and get a job at a snap. I walked in one the other day and it was the saddest moment when they seriously laughed at me for asking for a job.
Havent posted here in a while, could really use some love tonight. I'm a creative person who honestly just wants to make others happy and yet here I am the saddest person on the planet right now. I'm beginning to understand more and more the type of pain guys like Chris Farley and Robin Williams experienced.
open to calls if any stranger wants to talk and relate. You cant imagine how much it would mean to me. 201 452 4258