So Angry

I'm so angry I could spit. I don't really know why. I haven't had any changes in my meds. I just woke up yesterday and felt really unlike myself. I've been depressed lately and I've been seeing someone about that. I'm having trouble adjusting to life in survivorship. I feel like I have no control and I've lost myself. I can understand being depressed, but I don't really understand why I'm so angry. Has anyone else been through this? It would help if I could chop down a tree Teddy Roosevelt style. But I don't have an axe or any trees of significant size nearby.

Comments

  • 13 Comments sorted by Votes Date Added
  • It is perfectly normal to be angry! We have been dealt a $hitty hand and we have every right to cry and scream and bang our heads and fists! I had many days of anger, angry with myself for not looking after myself better, angry with God that He did this to me, angry with my doctors for not finding it sooner, angry with the rest of the "healthy" world! There is no reason for you to feel bad about any of the emotions you go through because they are yours and this is your fight. Take each day in stride, and don't forget to take the good with the bad, and if it's a good one, love every second of it!
  • Yes yes definately normal to be angry & depressed. I think Pink Fighter said it best!! I myself am still struggling on & off with anger & depression, though many other factors have contributed, but still the life after treatment tends to not always be so easy. Cancer is such a nasty thing that tries to shatter lives & we've beat it thus far.. after everything you went through, you most def have the right to be. It can make for some extreme feelings & rough days. I'm also glad that you are able to see someone about that too, God knows I should've done that sooner. I felt angry & so jealous of people that have it so easy but then I remember how much more better I am as a person for going through this junk. Not that I think myself above anyone, just in general, to realize that you're just as good & worthy of a great life as the next person. Try to find some ways to vent it out whether it may be in the forums or chopping some wood. But once again live up the good days & soak it in, sometimes the good days no matter how frequent can help to make the next rough ones that much easier to take on. Good luck, I'm pulling for ya big time **fingers crossed**!! Latazz..
  • DMMDMM Community Member
    I am in exactly the same boat! I have been feeling so angry to the point where I want to take a big bat and beat the hell out of something or someone so they can see, hear, feel and taste my pain. With my first cancer, I felt broken for a little while but after a certain point it was like someone took some crazy glue to me and put me back together and I functioned and felt relatively normal. With this second cancer go around, I feel like I have been shattered into a trillion pieces...more like pulverized into nothing. And this time there isn't enough crazy glue in the entire universe to put me back together again. Between feeling like crap because of the neuropathy, fatigue, depression & other health issues, that fact I am struggling financially and right now I don't have the energy nor enough brain power to get a second job (what is really sad is I have a BS in psychology, minored in art, studied Chinese for number of years and I have an MBA degree but right now I feel like the biggest god damn idiot!), and the fact that I really don't have any friends or anyone to talk to in person where I am living right now....is really pushing me to the edge. I have been really trying hard to do that "fake it until you make it" thing, some days I will smile until it hurts.

    I think the biggest thing I am angry with and just can't get over is the fact I was misdiagnosed for 8 years by a few doctors. I was dismissed as having IBS and that I had to learn to live with it. I lived with severe cramping & bloating to the point where my abdomen expanded almost an additional 10 inches where looked like I was 9 months pregnant (which is ironic since I had a hysterectomy at age 25), massive diarrhea several times a day and heart burn & acid reflux where my entire chest felt like it was constantly on fire. The GI docs knew about my previous cancer history and strong family history of colon cancer…they did colonoscopies and upper endoscopies and found nothing, they never thought once to do a CT scan.

    Eighty days before I was diagnosed with my second cancer, I started to have constant nausea and painful vomiting. For about two month before diagnosis, I stopped eating solid foods, I basically lived on grape & apple juice and broth (which I hate now!). I became very weak and started to experience severe muscle & joint pain and my blood pressure would bottom out every time I got up from the couch or bent over. By that point the doctors still couldn’t figure out what the problem was and still no one thought to do a CT scan.

    Seven days before my diagnosis I started vomiting so much more that I couldn’t even keep sips of water down. The last day before diagnosis, the dehydration was starting to make me somewhat delirious and my friend ended up calling 911 to get an ambulance to take me to the ER. I finally got my CT scan, they found an obstruction in my small intestines and did emergency surgery. Guess what…after they removed the tumor from the small intestines I didn’t have any more IBS symptoms….no bloating, no diarrhea, no nausea and no more heartburn or acid reflux.

    Eight mother f-cking years!!!!!!! :mad:

    This whole experience also opened up old big wounds. Everything I experienced during those eighty days is exactly what I witnessed my father go through the last few months of his life before he died of metastatic colon cancer. I was 18 when my dad died (He was only 46) and then seven years later I got diagnosed with my first cancer.

    Because of the misdiagnosis by my doctors I had to take a work at home position because I had the embarrassing “IBS” issues and working in an office was difficult. With a work at home position, promotions are very difficult to get….I should be making $30,000 to $50,000 more then I do now. Granted I am not a skinny person, but because of the severe bloating the skin on my abdomen got so stretched out, it is disgusting looking, surgery will be the only fix for that and I don’t have the money. The fact that I probably have a genetic syndrome that puts me at high risk for several other cancers doesn’t sit too well either. There isn’t much research on small intestinal cancer so the chemo they gave me is what they use for colon cancer but that was basically a crap shoot (pardon the pun) because they really don’t know if it works. So I probably allowed them to poison me and developed neuropathy for nothing. And the statistics for my type of cancer states I have about a 35% chance of living past 5 years.

    So yeah, I’m pretty f-cking angry!

    So let me know if you every want to go break some stuff or chop down some trees, because I am ready!
  • DMMDMM Community Member
    This Korn song best describes my anger towards the whole cancer thing.

    [video=youtube;xmOOGeZE-aE]

    Did My Time - Korn

    Realized I can never win
    Sometimes feel like I have failed
    Inside where do I begin?
    My mind is laughing at me

    Tell me, why am I to blame?
    Aren't we supposed to be the same?
    That's why I will never tame
    This thing thats burning in me

    I am the one who chose my path
    I am the one who couldn't last
    I feel the life pulled from me
    I feel the anger changing me

    Sometimes I can never tell
    If I got something after me
    That's why I just beg and plead
    For this curse to leave me

    Tell me, why am I to blame?
    Aren't we supposed to be the same?
    That's why I will never tame
    This thing thats burning in me

    I am the one who chose my path
    I am the one who couldn't last
    I feel the life pulled from me
    I feel the anger changing me

    Betrayed
    I feel so
    Enslaved
    I really tried
    I did my time
    I did my time
    I did my time
    I did my Time

    I am the one who chose my path
    I am the one who couldn't last
    I feel the life pulled from me
    I feel the anger changing me

    Oh god the anger's changing me
    Oh god the anger's changing me
  • Love that song dearly. Defiantely sums it up, nice choice. I think we need some group therapy in an overgrown forest! Got some swings I need to take out on some trees before I break something I'll have to live with the rest of my life.
  • DMMDMM Community Member
    mcnabberz334;2226 said:
    Love that song dearly. Defiantely sums it up, nice choice. I think we need some group therapy in an overgrown forest! Got some swings I need to take out on some trees before I break something I'll have to live with the rest of my life.

    I know I have mentioned it before on the forums but I seriously want to do a fundraising event called Smashing Cancer or something like that.

    The inspiration:

    [video=youtube;cDREuBAnf7M]


    But I would definitely need to break more than just a cup or two! :wink:
  • I'm a little bit late to this smash sh*t party, but I want in. From the time I started my fourth round of chemo, through more than the six months that followed, I was mad at any- and everything that I could get my hands on. Hell, I had an angry fit pop up when my wife and I were shopping for furniture once we were able to get back on our feet and move back out of my parents' house. A time when I would have expected to have been happier than I had ever been before.

    I've since talked with my oncologist, and he didn't seem to think that it was "normal" behavior. Since then, I've seen on this forum, and on other forums refer to it as a type of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Which makes perfect sense to me.

    I'm well aware that others here have more serious situations than I do/did, and have noticed my anger attacks being less frequent and less severe. Hopefully everybody here has enough understanding people in their lives to help them through this.
  • When I get angry, I go to Goodwill or another thrift store, buy a crapload of old dishes, drive out in the country somewhere, and break the $hit out of them. Works every time, guaranteed.
  • I love that chelsea beautiful idea!
  • HAHA! I did that too! Garage sales are also a good place to get stuff really cheap and then listen to it shatter!! Smashing dishes and crying my eyes out...can't wait until that memeory is far enough behind me that I can't REALLY remember how angry and helpless I felt doing it. It's great therapy though!
  • CareyCarey Community Member
    Sometimes I want to go out on my balcony and scream obscenities at everyone who walks by. I found that I resent most people right now because it seems like they don't have any real problems.
  • I certainly don't want to speak for anybody else, but I noticed that when I was going through treatment and even after treatment with a positive medical outlook, I was unable to put up with as much of other people's whining about the dumbest of things. "Oooh, the weather sucks." "I have to work all day today." "I'm so tired... LOL" (Thank you, Facebook.) that I wanted to personally strangle all of them for a few minutes at a time.

    Sure, surviving cancer is supposed to make me appreciate life more. And it has. I was always a 'live for the moment, enjoy the now, worry about later later" type, but I'm even more like that now. And for a while, nothing pissed me off more than having to deal with people, people meaning no harm whatsoever, wasting my time whining about the most trivial of crap.

    Unfortunately, no matter how much they deserve it, you can't go around strangling all of the people who piss you off. I don't make the rules, I'm just reporting them. In my case at least, the feeling subsides over time.

    Some.