Normalish

I have to say that in all honesty I feel pretty good most of the time since my Bone Marrow Transplant, although it is still really early. I am so grateful for all of the help and support I have and realize how lucky I am. But, every once in a while I get this little angry feeling, no so much "why is this happening" but more like I just want to feel normal again. Not new normal, but old normal. I know it sounds ungrateful and selfish but I want to go out with my partner and have a drink and a smoke if I want one, I just want to feel like old me again. I sometimes feel like I have a weight hanging over my head telling me that even if I get better I know I will never be quite the same. I don't know how to explain it with out sounding selfish. In my heart I know I am not healthy yet and even when I get better I'm not going to go out and binge drink and chain smoke. Maybe it's just a longing for some time I didn't know I was going to loose. I don't know, I guess that's what's venting is for. Does anyone else feel blessed / robbed at the same time. Hopefully I'm not the only confused survivor. :confused:

Comments

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  • Hey Alison, totally know how you are feeling! It is strange to have so many emotions to deal with all at once...and yet, here we are. I have certainly had those moments of complete dispair for the loss of my old "life"...but I guess I just have to look ahead at my "new" life and be thankful that I have it at all. And who says you can't go out and do many of the things you did before? Since I have been finished treatment I have gone out with the girls (and yes, even had a drink or 2) and been on dates with my partner...I am still me, and I am young and going to live the life of a young woman! You will feel like yourself again, and when you do, just be yourself, whatever that entails!!
  • I think everyone here can say they know that feeling! I despise that there was a big black line drawn across my lifeline that says "before cancer/after cancer". I hate that its there even when I'm not thinking about it. I still drink every so often and I want so badly to feel "normal" again. As time goes by I hope this new reality will begin to feel more normal, but I definitely grieve for what I lost. Go ahead and be selfish! Grieve for what you lost, but don't forget to mix in a little gratitude every now and then. After all, we're only human.
  • Ben and I just talked about this yesterday. How all we wanted is to be in love, raise a family, & grow old together...why us? What did we do that was so horrible? We feel like we are good people doing what "we are supposed to do"...but that's when you are reminded of how life isn't fair. We have had wonderful support, we do feel more loved than we ever have by many strangers, family and friends. And on Aug 7th 2010 when Ben had his first seizure in the middle of the night while we were sleeping...he could have died. He could have had it while working(semi trucks) he could have had one while driving...this could have ended his life or someone elses. But he didn't. He survived that and brain surgery, seizures, radiation...all these meds on top of all the stress and financial problems we now face. But when it's all said and done you have to find peace and happiness with those you love. To find some sort of smidge of happiness in each day...to feel alive. Not to waste. And everyone has a different path to go down...but in the end we are all going to die. Maybe some of us just don't know from what yet...and even though I'm not sick, I could die before Ben ... we have NO idea what is to come of us. Cancer is a part of our life and it's time to live and try really hard to not focus on all that has been taken away. But focus on what has been given to us. A 2nd chance. Good luck!