So, I have been home from my BMT since 2/28/11, the transplant date was 2/2/11. Aside from some moderate GVHD in the form a rash everything seems to be going fine. My peripheral blood is all normal except for some reasons my platelets keep trending down, on discharge they were 80, last check they were 50 and today's were 30. The nurse called me yesterday and said the actual slides look fine, nothing abnormal. Then, as I'm on the phone with my mom telling her my progress the nurse calls again and wants me to reduce my prednisone from 120 mg a day to 80mg a day and go Sat or Sund. to get some labs drawn to see why my platelets keep trending down. I know logically it could be any number of things, most likely the steroids but I automatically go right into panic mode and don't know why. My first and biggest fear is that my AML has come back and that this is way to soon. I start hyperventilating and totally loosing my cool. This reaction is not like me. I have to go in the other room because I don't want to scare the baby with my hysterics. I don't know why I automatically jump off a cliff when presented with news that really may or may not be bad. I don't' know if it is the medication or the fact that when I first got sick I felt like I knew deep down I had Leukemia and it turned out I did, even though my family and friends tried to placate me at fist. So I wonder if now I am somehow mentally set up to expect the worst. Most days I try to not be like that, it's actually not so bad, I feel tired but happy and thrilled to be home with my partner and baby. But one ounce of potentially bad news and I suddenly am out of optimism and strength and sink into a black hole. Sorry for the vent, I know my partner cares but even he admits that as much as he loves me there is no way for him to know exactly what I'm feeling. Hopefully someone here does. Please wish me luck with my platelets and bone marrow biopsy Monday. Thanks for listening.