I don't know what to do...

My boyfriend is having a lot of health problems, and although they aren't that serious (colds, allergies, headaches, etc.), I feel like I am adding to them or making them worse because I am stressing him out with all of my problems. I am so in love with him and I wouldn't trade "us" for anything in the world, but sometimes I wish I could just say "Let's put this on hold until I'm better." It would break my heart to pieces, but I don't want to cause him any undue stress or problems or whatever. He doesn't deserve to be in pain because I am. He is so good to me and loves me so much, but I feel like I am breaking him sometimes. I am so sad and so angry!!!!!!! I hate this so much!!!!!!! I just want to yell and scream and cry and I DON'T HAVE ANYONE TO BE ANGRY WITH! All of this is really contributing to my depression and MY stress. I need help. I don't know what to do...


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  • I would talk to him honestly and ask him if he's down for the long haul...and if he is get counseling together...it does help if you are open and honest I do believe in it! HUGS this is a hell of a road to be on!!!
  • CareyCarey Community Member
    When I was diagnosed, I asked one of my wife's good friends if she would be willing to be the "go to" person for my wife when she was having problems. It worked pretty well. My wife was able to talk to her about all the stress she was feeling and just get it off her chest. It helped having someone who was sort of neutral for her to talk to.

    It's natural to be angry and feel like you don't have anyone to be angry at, because there is no one to be angry at. But you need to let that anger out, so it'll come out at those closest to you, no matter how hard you try not to let it. I explained that to my family and apologized ahead of time so when I lashed out, I didn't feel so bad. I also spent some time yelling when I was alone and if I felt up to it, breaking something that wasn't that important. I destroyed a cheap little table I had a few weeks ago. It helped a bit. But then I had to clean it up, so it wasn't as therapeutic as it usually is.

    Don't add to your stress by worrying about causing stress in others. It's not your fault you have cancer. Its not you causing the stress, it's the cancer. And there ultimately isn't much you can do about it. Blaming yourself is the worst thing you can do. I've been beating the crap out of my self for the last few months and when I finally began seeing a counselor I realized that I was stuck in this cycle of beating my self up, feeling bad, and beating my self up more, feeling worse and so on. Just remember that other people's problems are other people's problems. You getting better is priority. It can be a cold and heartless outlook at times, but I think it's necessary in order to survive emotionally and physically.
  • Its really hard to see how our sucky-sickness affects those we love. When I was diagnosed I worried so very much about how it was causing those who loved me to be so sad and upset. You can't allow that to interfere with your battle. Talk to him, and let him decide if he is up to the task of standing beside you for this journey. I bet he will surprise you! Then take the attitude that this crap is not going to define you and get busy kickin some cancer butt!! One thing I am sure of in all of this is that ATTITUDE is a big part of success in treatment. You must believe that even though it is gonna suck to be you for awhile, everything is gonna be ok after the sucky part. Then let those who love you be there to support you through this journey. Everything will work out just as it is supposed to!!!
  • I have to agree about not worrying that your stress is causing other people stress. Your stress is there and you need to manage it in whatever way works, through counseling, medication, or whatever. Some people will be there for you throughout and others won't. The folks who stick around are definitely the folks you want in your life. The others, it's not worth worrying about them.

    Yeah, this whole cancer bit is stressful for everybody involved, though. There's no getting around that. Stupid cancer, right? I found it helpful to find some humor in it, however I could. The biggest stressor for me throughout most of my treatment was this lingering lesion on my brain stem. I turned it into a joke by naming my lesion Harold. "Harold is like a bad house guest who rummages through your medicine cabinet and moves things around so you can't find them again." Every time I forget something, it's Harold's fault. Every time I say something dumb, it's Harold taking over. Whenever I misplace something, it's Harold being a bad house guest again. Every time I leave my zipper down, it's Harold's fault.
  • The one thing our family found out when Jared was Dx'd, was, who truly was a friend. These are the people who let you vent, help you when you're sick from treatment. These are the people who'll stay with you to the end, the rest can take a flying leap
  • CareyCarey Community Member
    Mark Silverman;3002 said:
    the rest can take a flying leap
    Very true. Think of all the people you've met in your life and the people you still have some sort of relationship. It's probably not that many. They're the ones missing out. But sometimes move forward and watching out for your best interests means leaving people behind.
  • Therevare so many support groups out there, I wouldvask him if he feels he needs to talk to someone. My husband would not admit it to me, but I know it stressed him out too. I just gave him the info for a support group so if he wanted to call, he could. But don't worry about his stress, you have enough going on.