Bad Day? Share It Here If You Like

So I know we all have good days and bad days and often we throw up a quick post to vent a bit. But I thought it might be helpful if there was an ongoing conversation for bad days. So here it goes...

A couple of nights ago I had a dream where I knew I was going to die and it was going to be because of a terrorist attack. I was also escaping a stampede of people who were all trying to cram into a stone building, because it was safe. So I hid out on a bench ovelooking a body of water and my younger brother was sitting on it and I had my head in his lap and was crying and just scared shitless. He stroked my hair and was telling me that everything was all right and trying to reassure me. Then there was a nuclear explosion and the last thing that went through my mind before I woke up was "Great, it's really far away, but now I'm going to get cancer again from the fallout."

It really messed with my emotions and I've been feeling really anxious and down and disturbed ever since. It wasn't the explosion or stampede that disturbs me, but the fact my brother was taking care of me and telling me it was going to be ok and I shouldn't be scared. I love my brother alot and we're pretty close. But the role reversal, him taking care if me, I feel like is something that no younger sibling should have to do, but he's done it for most of his life. So, I don't know, but that's why I've been having a bad day.

Comments

  • 14 Comments sorted by Votes Date Added
  • I had kind of a rough day. Found a slide show from this summer camp I went to for close to 6 years in a row, went through the counselor training program so I could be staff the following year...but I never got to. It was the summer before my freshman year of college and I needed a job that paid better than them. I regret not being able to go back because that camp was a huge part of my life and had just as big a role in developing me to who I am today. The slideshow brought back a lot of good memories but just as many sad ones of people who I had lost touch with. Until not too long ago I was a loaner, never really stood out. But anyway, that lead to me thinking about pretty much the same thing in high school, loosing touch with my friends and the like. Not helping this fact is that im still not quite emotionally stable from the whole diagnosis and treatment even though its in the past. And then that led to the whole line of thought of "what if I didnt make it" and that can never go well. So im feeling a bit down and out tonight.

    I guess this is a better place to talk about something like this than facebook or even trying to explain it to friends. Sometimes I feel like it wouldnt make a whole lot of sense to them.
  • beeslybeesly Community Member
    Matt - are you saying that even with your PCP's referral, they want you to get a referral to another hospital even though this hospital generally accepts your insurance?

    Dealing with insurance is very often frustrating. I've been trying to get a copy of an EOB for 4 months so that I can settle a hospital bill (lost all my original paperwork in a house fire), and each time I call, a rep tells me "Okay, I've put in a request and you should have the EOB in 7-10 business days." I never receive it, so I call back, and the next rep has no record of my previous call (they don't use reference numbers, and it sounds like the reps work from home) and I get the same line - "I've put in a request... 7-10 business days." Finally, I got someone to fax it to me - but they faxed the wrong EOB! I called back to have the correct one faxed over, and a different rep tells me that they can't fax EOBs due to privacy laws. So, 7-10 business days, again...
  • melissamelissa Community Member
    So, today is a holiday. i am home alone with my kids because my husband works in a restaraunt and of course people wanna go out on holidays and someone has to serve them...and thats his job. We just moved to a new town where i lived when i was a teenager. I still had a few friends that i kept in touch with over the years and was excited about reconnecting with them. well, they all have thier own lives and we dont seem to fit into them. and whenever we do manage to visit, i am treated differently. i was even introduced once as a "special" friend. people seem to think that brain cancer is, i dunno, asdf laWEVSLAJF KL.....SORRY, a little frustrated.
    so, here i sit home alone on a holiday while everyone else goes to barbecues and picnics with thier family and friends...regular friends. :""(
  • summooresummoore Community Member
    Melissa - I'm right there with you! My hubby works retail, so I was at home hanging out with the kids all day. I heard my neighbors swimming next door earlier and felt kinda blah...then I saw one of them outside just a while ago and he said they would have invited us over, but they didn't think I could get in the pool because of my "injury". He's right, I can't get in the pool, but an invite would have been nice...I can still EAT!
    I'm also extra sensitive right now because I came from from work on Friday and found my dog dead on the living room floor. We have no idea what happened and it was really unexpected and devastating. I'm still really sad and kind of in shock. She was my "nurse" when I came home and she laid with me the whole time I couldn't get up and move around. Crappy weekend!!!
  • melissamelissa Community Member
    omgosh! i am so sorry for your loss!

    and your neighbor is a jerk. you CAN eat, visit, laugh etc and probably still enjoy the company of other adults. plus i bet the kids would like to play with other kids...people just don't get it sometimes. MOST times, sadly.

    (i'm still grumpy, sorry.)
  • CareyCarey Community Member
    I came home for the long weekend and I feel like I'm going in sane. My Mom is repeating everything she says three or four times and ignoring her makes it worse. I can't seem to het a word in when I'm asked questions and I just feel overwhelmed. Sort of like I'm here but not really.
  • I definitely understand how families can be overwhelming, I love mine but they make me tired! Hope you make it through the weekend okay :)
  • So it looks like I have to have another bone marrow biopsy next Tuesday. I get really stressed out now anytime something is strange about my labs and my last few cbc's have shown low white blood cell counts and nobody seems to know why. The Dr. prescribed some antiboitics in case I have an infection somewhere but it's very frustrating to not be able to get an answer as to why my body is doing what it's doing. I worry about having a replapse of the AML or that for some reason my transplant is starting to reject although I had the transplant in Feb. of 2011 so I am not sure how likely rejection is at this point. Either way I really hate being this stressed out, I can't concentrate on much else and honestly just want to curl up in a ball and cry. Hopefully the biopsy shows that everything is normal and all this is caused by some kind of latent infection.
    Yeah, all the stress and worry makes for a pretty bad day.
  • Really sorry to hear that Alison- a bit different for me maybe but I've been having spots removed from my skin every three months or so and every time I have to wait almost two weeks for the results and I get very stressed afraid that one will come back as melanoma again, but so far everything is just severely atypical... mostly I just try to distract myself from thinking about it as much as possible. Wishing you the best with your biopsy results!
  • summooresummoore Community Member
    Went to the zoo today with one of my friends and her husband and the kids. I was wearing shorts for the first time in front of them (its over 100 degrees here), and her husband said "your leg doesn't look that bad. It's looks a lot like a shark attack. You should tell people that's what happened instead. It's a way better story."
    WHAT AN A-HOLE!! To be fair, he's incredibly stupid, but still! Just when I start to feel a teensy bit ok with this gargantuan scar and everything it represents, he's got to bring it up. But again, he's incredibly stupid. Like really, really, really stupid.
  • I have had the same "best friends" for 15 years since i was diagnosed when I was in kindergarten. this weekend i went with them to the beach and it was miserable. one would think they would understand and maybe even accept the little things about me by now, like my exhaustion and absentmindedness, anxiety etc. but I guess clothes, money, sex, and getting shitfaced is more important, more interesting and less work, than being friends with me.
  • Sorry Sara, I found out too that many people my age aren't very understanding or accepting when it comes to cancer- just not grown up enough I guess while we maybe were forced to grow up fast when diagnosed in some ways. I actually had many friends disappear when I was diagnosed and some will only chat with me as long as I don't mention anything about my cancer which is sad. In the end I lost some friends but got some new ones that are more understanding :)

    Oh, and summoore, people LOVE to think up stories that I should tell people about my scars, I have a really big one on my upper back that's like a sideways question mark and then various little ones (gaining more all the time)... just a week or so ago my mom told me that I really should have more scars to be representative of the amount of little surgeries I've had to remove bad spots on my skin, ummm, no thanks!
  • babez1babez1 Community Member
    Love the scar stories!! I have a scar across my neck where they did a mediasatinal biopsy, so my joke was that my hubby tried to slit my throat and failed. It is a joke in very bad taste, I know, so I hope I dont offend anyone, but it was lighthearted for me, whereas the actual reason sucks.

    On another note, I am very pissed off today... I feel that I have been invaded and its not fair. Thats it, just mad at cancer.
  • babez1;4238 said:
    Love the scar stories!! I have a scar across my neck where they did a mediasatinal biopsy, so my joke was that my hubby tried to slit my throat and failed. It is a joke in very bad taste, I know, so I hope I dont offend anyone, but it was lighthearted for me, whereas the actual reason sucks.

    On another note, I am very pissed off today... I feel that I have been invaded and its not fair. Thats it, just mad at cancer.

    Your neck scar "story" is one I haven't used yet. I've got one on my neck from the tracheostomy I had. I might use that line sometime when I'm feeling cheeky towards my wife.