Support - Lost Friendships

I wasn't sure where to put this thread, but I just really need to get it out. And if there are any words of comfort or advice, that'd be really appreciated. Sorry it's a tad long....

I have a friend who I met when we were both 17. We became instant best friends. This was a big deal for a girl like me. I've always been heavier and felt like guys didn't even want to be my friend, forget about dating any!. But through the years, we stayed BEST friends. It was good. We went to separate colleges, and he even went to Japan for two years. During all this time we stayed in very close contact. We wrote letters all the time while he was in Japan (he didn't have a phone or internet there) and we drove across states to visit each other in college all the time. Our Junior year in college, I went on a choir tour that was only about 45 minutes from his university, so we got together to hang out just for a bit--because that's all the time I had. He told me he had to talk to me when I came down, and it sounded serious, so I made sure I had time for him. We ended up finding a quiet park to go to to talk. He preceded the conversation by asking me if I'd always be there for him, no matter what, for eternity, and if I really did love him (as a friend of course.) I didn't even have to think for a split second, the answer was yes!! We'd been through hard times before (like when my sister died a few years earlier) and there was nothing to change that. He then came out to me. I was the first person he told that he was gay. No one else knew (except an old friend from high school who had also come out and it was kind of an accident....). This was extremely difficult for him. With many personal things about it all, I only barely grasped how hard and lifelong this would be for him. But I stuck by what I said. I'd always be there for him. And I have been!! That was 4 years ago. Still best friends. I was the same person as always, as was he. The only difference was we'd both check out guys and talk about how different our tastes were. He still hasn't been very open with his feelings. None of his siblings know yet (although I'm sure they suspect) and eventually he did tell his parents. Some of our closest friends from high school (the same group we always hung out with high school through college) still don't know.

Here's the problem. September of last year, I was diagnosed with cancer. We were now living even MORE states apart from each other, he in Texas, me in Washington. When I had the energy, we'd talk, we'd even skype and stuff. Then it became less and less.... My cancer wasn't getting any better, in fact nothing was working and the doctors were worried. Then four days before my birthday in January, he sent me what appears to be his last text. I haven't heard from him since January!!! I've been through MAJOR surgery and all the other crap cancer brings, and he isn't talking to me. Not one bit of communication since January... no calls, texts, facebook posts, nothing! What the hell! I told him 4 years ago I'd always be there for him because I loved him and knew he'd had a lifelong struggle, and he can't handle me having cancer!? I don't get it! What a friggin douche. I just want him to call and explain himself.

Ok, I'm crying and I'm done. If you stuck with this through the end, thanks! :)

How do YOU deal with people you love leaving you during your hard times?


  • 3 Comments sorted by Votes Date Added
  • AshleyAshley Community Member
    I can relate in a sense. When I was diagnosed with cancer my husband became so distant from me. He actually even had a freak out moment and totally blew up on me for no reason at all and left to stay with his Dad for a couple of days. Seriously it HURT worse than anything. We've been through alot. Together for 6 years, kids together, and one on the way. He told me it was too much for him to take, the thought of me having cancer killed him, but really I needed him more than ever and he freaked. What about how I felt?! I forgive, but I'll never forget. Of course in this case, he came to his senses in a couple of days, admitted his wrong, begged for my forgiveness, promised to be there, and has been nothing but supportive I'm really not sure what advice to give but just know it happens and in some cases, people don't come to their senses. Two quotes that come to mind
    It is easy to be who you want to be in easy times, the challenge is to be who you want to be in the worst of times...
    When we do face the difficult times, we need to remember that circumstances don’t make a person, they reveal a person.
    And obviously him not being there for you, when you were for him...shows his true colors. It's hard to deal with, I know...I would say I hope he comes around, but in this case I'm not even sure I'd give him the time or day as hard as it may be. I hope you are surrounded by loving, supportive people during this time.
  • I can definitely relate- I had a few friends that stuck around though and one older one explained to me that cancer was just too much for a lot of people my age to handle and that's why they weren't there for me... not that that went over to well for me because the instant thought was nobody asked me if I was old enough to deal with cancer! Now that I'm just having check-ups and a lot of people think that my cancer is gone (although I'm at a really high risk of recurrence) some of the people that stopped talking to me are all of a sudden there again- unless I bring up cancer things. I also met some new wonderful people that don't care about my cancer and will listen to whatever I have to say :) So in the end, yeah, some friends I lost, and some became not very good friends at all, but a few became better friends, and I gained some new friends... it was hard feeling rejected in a time when I needed people the most, but I guess with time I've gotten over it. Anyway, I have no good answer for you, but I'm here if you want to talk.
  • HUGS! I think we can all relate to at least losing one person or more along the way...some people can't get over it or make it about themselves. Honestly during all this we've had more support from complete strangers in our town and online. Some we had to seek out some found us! I think you just have to move on for your sanity alone. It's difficult enough for yourself. You can't help people understand, they either stick with you or they run! Lots of people treat Ben differently since he got dx with brain cancer...his true friends don't treat him any different that means the world to Ben. Literally two friends have stuck by him. Although it's tough that he cannot drive, he doesn't see them as much as he'd like to. Just find some peace and happiness and I'm sorry for the loss of your friend, but someone out there will be there for you! :)