on the rocks...

I don't know if this is the right forum to post this, but i dont know which other category it fits into.

Here goes...

I have read lots of accounts of relationships ending over diagnosis and treatment. I need to know the warning signs...things are not going very well for me and my husband lately and i am worried that it is going to get to the point where we/i just give up. We are fighting more and more and are having a hard time communicating. That was always our best relationship attribute, our awesome communication. Now he feels like everytime i try and explain my feelings i am attacking him and i feel like he just doesn't want to take the time or energy to care.
I know i am more emotionally needy lately, but can you blame me? My life was turned more than upside down and put on a timer that could go "ding" at any time. And to boot, i was left with the emptional maturity of a teenager. NOT fun going thru this crap again i assure you. If you think the insecurities of an adult are bad, try dealing with the insecurities of an adult teenager who knows better but just can't seem to get a grip!!!!
So, what do i do? We are not working anymore. If it was just us, i could walk away and never look back, but there are kids involved and that just makes it so much more important that we work this out.

argh!!!! can someone who has dealt with this please give me a little insight?

Comments

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  • I don't know if this helps but my Aunt has pretty much the same thing. I think she had up to 7 brain tumors and a bleed in her brain. Her medication then caused a stroke. Her and her husband had already had a rocky relationship raising two boys and having different parenting views. Some men's brains just think differently and though they care and know that your suffering is way worse and that you have given up more they still feel a burden. No we did not ask for this, but they feel the same. I don't know if you have let him go do something and if you have then your situation might be different, but that is what my aunt did. Her family and friends played a big role in this being good bc when he was gone they were there. She encouraged him to go back to racing motorcycles something he use to do, but had to stop even before the cancer. It was his release and when he would get home he was more caring. He was just over stressed bc he was taking care of everything and not all men are equipped for that.

    I don't know if that makes you feel any better. But I'm sure everything works out.
  • summooresummoore Community Member
    One month before my dx I threw my husband out of the house. I was done. He came back soon after and he made an appointment to go see a therapist...and then I got diagnosed. The next six months were miserable for me, but he stepped right up and took care of the kids and the house and everything. After I started feeling better and was more able to get around, it all came back and I was ready to leave again.

    Our situation is different because it was already strained at the beginning, got better during treatment, then got crummy again. While I was grateful to him for stepping up when I needed him too, I was really resentful when he fell back into his old ways when I was feeling better. We're doing much better now. He started therapy and got on "happy pills" and now I feel like we're starting to get it together again and I'm hopeful this will last.

    The only thing you can really do is hang tight and try to be functional again. From one mother "on a timer" to another, you have to make it work for the kids. And maybe that's another thing that makes it so frustrating!?! :)
  • I don't have much experience on this topic, but I can offer the view of a male. Granted, I'm the person who went through the treatment, but my opinion might still have some level of validity. For most guys, it's very easy to become withdrawn as we know. Once this happens, it's a very slippery slope and a quick fall to the bottom if not handled correctly. I often found myself withdrawling during treatment and sometimes at random during recovery. We all know some days are better than others, but it takes a lot of personal work to salvage a relationship through this.

    I guess is that your husband feels like a huge wedge has been driven between you two. This is of no fault of your own. It happens when one person suddenly feel disconnected because they honestly can't share what you are going through. In my opinion, unless someone has walked this road themselves, it's honestly damn near impossible to fully understand what it's like.

    In short, he is going through physically and emotionally what you are to an extent, but that's where it ends.

    I feel like I'm just rambling on here with no sort of structure, but as Mia mentioned, maybe it would help if he could pick up a hobby or some other stress release. Or maybe some one on one time w/o the kids if you feel up to it.

    Either way, stay focused on getting better and staying strong.
  • melissamelissa Community Member
    He has taken up kayacking, mountain biking, tennis and hiking. He is not lacking for things to do without me. And he does them. Actually, there is close to nothing we do together outside of home anymore. His car will not fit the whole family and since i cannot drive he is the only one that gets to go anywhere.
    Honestly, right now i am losing my shit. Mental breakdown is the best way to describe it. I hope i come thru it relatively whole.
  • You'll be alright Melissa. Sorry I can't offer much more than the capability to listen.
  • Sounds like you need to have something to do! Hard not being able to drive though, wishing you the best getting through this Melissa.
  • it almost sounds like he's spending more time on his own than is good for YOU. it's totally understandable that he needs something to do so he can "get away" from the stress as much as he can...but there comes a point where you do that so much that you abandon your relationships. and with you being put into the position you are in physiologically and emotionally, you certainly seem to need him to support you.

    as a man, I appreciate it when people are frank with me. lay it out there. tell me what the trouble is. I don't know if he's like that or not, but it's the best I can do.
  • bpojb03bpojb03 Community Member
    i dont think i can really offer any help or advice on relationships. just support. i do know how frustrating it can be to not only feel stuck but actually be stuck in your own home. so i guess my suggestion would be to have something for you. if you cannot leave the house, host a get together at your house (book club, baking session, card game, etc). if you can leave the house, sometimes i just take a walk around the block to clear my head or get some perspective. but i think it would be better if it was social.

    social interactions can help distract the focus from everything that is wrong (lack of communication, support, etc). you can also use them to compare and contrast your situation to others, or just vent!

    i try to meet up with some friends at least once a week. i also try to do something with a new group (volunteer, train for a 5k, tutor).

    Try is really the most important word i have said. I think you have to decide what you want and do everything you can to try for it. if you want your relationship to be more functional all you can do is keep trying. it is up to him to do rest. hopefully you can have the satisfation from your own actions because really you have no control over his. maybe set up a specific time during the day or week that you two talk. write a list of what each of you want to say and then take turns saying your piece. if you are worried about attacking him, make sure to use "I-statements." I-statements focus on how you feel rather than blaming. decide on a way to end it, how long (10-30 minutes) and how you will close it (something positive like, "i learned..., thank you for your time")

    okay that was a lot more than i intended to write... i meant to just say hey im here and im reading...

    good luck and feel free to vent some more :)
  • melissamelissa Community Member
    Thanks you guys. I know i need to get out and do something. the thing is, i am my own worst enemy... i have serious anti-self issues and need to fix those before anything else will work right.

    today he went kayacking with some of his new friends from work. he flipped his boat, lost his oar, flipped again then, unable to get up he pulled his skirt and got out of the boat. Then he lost the boat and was left battling the overly swollen Colorado river. he finaly mad it to shore and walked back to his car. his friends did not see him get safely out of the water so they called search and rescue. i could hear the sirens from home and i knew it was him. i just knew. he finally let me know he was alive a couple of hours later.
    i could have been a widow today, folks. wow.
    i am NOT buying him another kayak.
    but he had fun, even with the craziness and wants to get back out as soon as he can get his gear replaced. to be fair tho, he told me that if i didn't want him to go out anymore, he would respect that.

    i have no friends. not in this city anyway. we just moved here and while i know a couple (2) people, we do not ever hang out. i met a neighbor and was on the way to becoming friends with her when i went to her house to find that she/her husband had left my 9yo son who was over on a playdate with a teenage babysitter!!!!! without talking to me or even letting me know. so, i will not be making friends with her.
    i am no longer an outgoing person and find it extremely difficult to interact with others, so random socializing with strangers is pretty well out of the question for me. I will make it thru this....or i won't. either way...something. i dunno.
    i got really bad off the other day and deleted all of my social media (facebook, twitter, other social sites...) i gave all of my "friends" just over a days notice and said if they wanted to keep in touch, my info was available. less than a dozen of the more than 200 contacts i had even responded, much less contacted me personally. that hurt like a bitch, ya'll. and only one person asked what was wrong!!! i only kept this site and my blog. oh and tumblr because it makes no sense to me and i can't figure out how to delete it. i only joined for the "Faces of Stupid Cancer" thing.
    yeah, so i just spewed a ton of verbal vomit on you guys. sorry bout that errbody!
  • No worries Melissa. Sorry to hear you're having such a rough time and I'm glad your husband is safe.

    Feel free to vent anytime. After all, that's part of why we are all here.