I think Monday was the second worst day of my life, the first being that day I was told I have leukemia. It seems the AML has started to relapse and that is why my counts have been off lately. I am getting admitted to the hospital on Sunday to start chemo and they are going to be giving me some more T-cells from my doner in hopes of getting rid of the cancer.
I am so f******* upset, I feel like since transplant I have done everything possible to stay healthy, I eat right, don't smoke or drink and take care to always take my meds and keep appointments. I always knew that relapse was a posibility but had somehow put it out of my mind.
Has anyone had a similar experience? I just can't get over the intense saddness and anger that I am feeling. I try to be positive as much as possible but having a good attitude just got a lot harder.


  • 13 Comments sorted by Votes Date Added
  • I am very sorry Alison. Stay strong
  • So sorry to hear this Alison, that's really rough.
  • OMGosh!! I'm so sorry to hear that Alison :/ I'm sorry I can't help you with the emotions you're feeling other than be here to listen. I am trying to get over my first and only diagnosis and I'm still angry and upset at it all. If I gain any insight in getting back your positivity you'll be the first to know. Sending my prayers you're way! Remember.. you're stronger than those cells.. definitely bigger than a measly little cell.. you can take them on! and if you need some back up I'm hear for ya! :)
  • bpojb03bpojb03 Community Member
    i definitely know the feeling of doing everything right and still getting worse. it is frustrating. you dont have to always be strong or perfect but i think you do need to keep having hope that you will go into remission again (heck you did it once already).

    especially when you do everything you can to be healthy i think it is important to remember that you are not being punished so feelings of anger and frustration are rightfully yours. you dont deserve this and hopefully you can turn that anger into determination. i like julies thinking that they are just little cells and you are stronger.
  • I'm sorry to hear about your relapse. Here's hoping the doctors can deal with this round of setbacks and get you on the upswing again.
  • SuzlCastSuzlCast Community Member
    I'm sorry to hear about your relapse. You seem like an incredibly strong person and your positive attitude with help you to fight this thing. You're in my thoughts!
  • LeesuhmLeesuhm Community Member
    Hey Alison,

    I am so sorry to hear about this! I found out about a month ago that my cancer had spread to my lungs, and I can completely relate to the extreme anger and sadness. I'll even throw in some anxiety, frustration, and feeling betrayed by my body. I try to tell myself that my doctors and I are doing everything we can at this moment to keep me around and functional as long as possible - I am sure yours are as well.

    At least for me, the negative feelings got a better over time, although I am still dealing with some mood swings. I think you will probably level out a bit with time as well.

    I hope and pray your hospital stay goes as well as possible and as quick as possible given current circumstances.
  • RaeLeahRaeLeah Community Member
    Allison, I am so sorry to hear this news.

    I can relate to how you're feeling. I also went through a relapse 9 months after being declared in remission. When they told me, I completely broke down. It's the most difficult thing in the world to go through even one time - and after finally beating it and then finding out it came back, it feels like someone just kicked you while you were down. I felt horribly angry and upset, and felt like I just wanted to give up. It was especially hard because I was like you - never smoked, drank, took my meds, kept myself as healthy as possible - but it still came back. I know it feels horribly unfair and sometimes you can't avoid a pessimistic outlook on life now that you've relapsed. These are all normal things you are feeling, and you're not alone. Just try to remember that as hard as it is, you can't give up. It's okay to feel sad and angry - I sure did and still do, even though I've been in remission again for 2 and a half years. But you can get through it. You've got a lot of people rooting for you :)
  • Alison Mercer;4120 said:
    Has anyone had a similar experience? I just can't get over the intense saddness and anger that I am feeling. I try to be positive as much as possible but having a good attitude just got a lot harder.
    I’m so sorry to hear about you relapsing, that really sucks….I hope you won’t have to be in the hospital to long & the treatments go very well for you.

    Though I don’t have AML, & haven’t gone through a transplant yet I do know how your feeling & I’m going through some similar issues…I’m a 26 year old who has CML & I’ve had it for 7 years…Just last week I got the results of my latest biopsy which has come back positive….The full blown leukemia hasn’t returned yet but there is a small percentage of the Philadelphia Chromosome and positive bcr-abl levels….This will be the second relapse I’ve had since I was first diagnosed & just 2 years has passed since I got back in remission.

    I’m definitely annoyed with the news and struggling to come to terms with why I have relapsed again so soon when there are so many CML patients who haven’t’ relapsed once since they started treatment.

    I definitely have a lot of anger right now & finding it hard to be positive about having to start a new chemo drug and have a bone marrow transplant if they are able to find me an unrelated donor...It sucks cause I had been so positive the past 2 years after I got back in remission & had gone through long stretches of feeling so great & hadn’t been hospitalized for a long while….I know it’s hard to do it right now but try to stay positive & think about all the good things you have in your life…I’m here if you want to chat about anything or just need to vent
  • Sending you all my good thoughts Allison. Stay positive, it isn't always easy to do, but it definitely helps.
  • Thank You all for the Support. I just finished the last round of Chemo and am home now, I am getting a DLI on Aug. 10th, hopefully my next biopsy comes back empty and I get into remission again. Reading all the comments on here makes me feel a little less alone. Thanks Again!
  • summooresummoore Community Member
    Glad you're back home. We're routing for you!!