Some days are just harder than others.

morning jog is done,



rant:

"times are tough. blah blah blah. things will get better."

will they? will my family recover from me becoming an insatiable drain on their physical health, emotional stability, and financial standing? Is my recovery worth it? some days it seems like the quickest, easiest fix would be if I just disappeared. no more worrying about bills. no more concerning yourselves with whose turn it is to look after your adult son.



existence...wake up. take these pills- there are 17 of them. have blood drawn. sometimes just a vile, sometimes eight or nine viles. stab me with another needle. i don't care. i'll be your pin cushion. i'll be your statistic. put me in a protocol. learn from my disease.



helplessness...no money for transportation no money for treatments. no money for food. no money for comfort. i've drained them all.



the facade...when you look at my eyes you never realize that this patient expression is constantly fighting back tears because i have become someone i am not: inadequate. incapable. detached from reality. broken off from society.



regret...i have never experienced true love.i have never been to europe. i have never really lived. and now, here i am. taunting death with chemicals. come and get me, death. i'm just one false diagnosis away from shaking your hand.



frustration...no one can understand the way this feels. to think that every sunset i see might be my last. to think that my disease is slowly killing my parents. oh, the guilt i feel torments me more than any of the physical pain i've experienced.



i want to be well again. more importantly, i want to stop draining those around me. they didn't deserve this.



i have so much love and joy i want to spread. but these angel wings have been pinned down by forces beyond my control. someone please help me, as I am determined to soar once again.

Comments

  • 3 Comments sorted by Votes Date Added
  • ToneDefJimmy;5474 said:

    the facade...when you look at my eyes you never realize that this patient expression is constantly fighting back tears because i have become someone i am not: inadequate. incapable. detached from reality. broken off from society.
    I'm with you there, brother.
  • Jimmy,

    It sounds like you really are having a rough time and I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. It totally sucks when you feel like everyone else is bending their lives around you at a time when EVERYONE else our age is independent and moving on with life and doing cool stuff. You're definitely dealing with more than I have to (I have a "good" cancer) but I can relate to feeling awful that people are having to take care of you. It wasn't just my family. I even had friends back home who drove my siblings in carpool so that my mom could stay with me - I am really touched that they did that, but I feel awful that they had to go out of their way for me.)

    I remember fighting with my mom all the time, and feeling like crap about it, because I was so upset that she was leaving my siblings and my dad alone to help me out during surgery and radioiodine treatment. I just wanted her to let me go to all my appointments and do everything myself because I just felt so guilty. She would come in with these elaborate and delicious meals (that I couldn't taste at all) arranged on a tray with a flower and I just felt so terrible that she was doing all this for me. Man oh man, can I relate to to guilt.

    I don't think I really have anything I can say to you that will make things better, and I'm sorry for that. I just know that I joined Stupid Cancer one night when I'd just had a bad day and really needed to talk to someone and didn't want to call my mom and freak her out (because obviously I just really need her to think that I'm totally fine now that the major surgery and radiation are out of the way for now). So I'm trying to respond to you so that you at least know that you're not alone in feeling this way.

    Take care - here's hoping that maybe tomorrow is better.
  • medstudent;5477 said:
    the facade...when you look at my eyes you never realize that this patient expression is constantly fighting back tears because i have become someone i am not: inadequate. incapable. detached from reality. broken off from society. .

    I absolutely hear you, and am glad you posted this.

    Take care, and hope if possible, find the best in yourself. Everyone has something that is amazing about themselves, even if it is hidden. Please find it and love it...you are worth it.