I need to vent. I need to get it all out there...But every time I start I just want to scream F*CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK, and then sit down and cry for a while, because this isn't how things are supposed to be and this isn't how things were supposed to go AND IT SUCKS.
March 17, 2011 I was diagnosed with Papillary thyroid cancer. March 22, 2011 they took it out...and by "it" I mean my thyroid, a jugular vein, 55 lymph nodes ranged from the base of my skull to my breast bone- of which over 20 came back positive for cancer. The surgery took 8 hours. The scar formed a keloid. I had more surgeries in the following months to remove kidney stones that resulted from the calcium supplements. I was left with nerve damage, and significant damage to my shoulder that has taken about a year to reverse, though I still have strength issues. I had an AMAZING surgeon, it's just where he had to cut.
My treatment had to be postponed because of a scan I had in early Feb. 2011 that contained a of iodine. In July of 2011, I went off Synthroid and onto a drug called Cytomel in prep for therapy. I got tired...very very tired...then I had to quit the cytomel and take no medicine for 2.5 weeks and do a low iodine diet. The diet was bland, but manageable. Being off my medicine was horrible: migraines, nausea, always cold, always dry...puffy eyes, puffy face, stomach pains from decreased digestion, no energy..all I wanted to do was sleep, but i couldn't get myself to sleep through the anxiety, and my muscles hurt all the time.
Then I had the radioactive iodine- the thyroid cancer treatment of choice- 200 mci, the highest dose my doctor will start someone on. Felt a little nauseous, I now have some issues with my saliva glands sometimes, but it felt good knowing the cancer was dying...knowing that the radioactive iodine was catching it wherever it was and killing it.
I have been off my medicine and on the LID again for the past 2.5 weeks in preparation for my first post-treatment scan. This past week I went for my check up scan to see how well we cleaned up the first time. I was supposed to be told that "the scan shows a bit more cancer, so we'll need to give you another round" or "looks good for now, see you in another 6 months so we can look again".
I wasn't supposed to to have to get a biopsy during my ultrasound and for them to tell me it's the cancer. I wasn't supposed to be told I'll need another surgery. I mean the first one was 8 fucking hours, and my surgeon was BEYOND thorough. I wasn't supposed to hear from my surgeon that that cancer they found on the ultrasound is wrapped around my vocal nerve and he has no choice but to cut it out because he tried really hard to save it last time and it's already barely hanging in there.
I wasn't supposed to be told that nothing is lighting up on my scan. That this spot that they know is cancer, should be sucking up the radioactive iodine they gave me and it's not. I wasn't supposed to be told that this means the cancer I have has become RAI resistant after just one treatment.
I wasn't supposed to be told that after I heal from this next surgery that I was never supposed to have, that they'll need to do External Beam radiation on my throat....and that it will hurt very very badly...that even drinking water will be excruciating for months.
And I'm not supposed to know that if this fucker living inside my body, this cancer that consumes my cells from the inside out and turns them to necrotic tissue, that if has metastasized to my lungs or bones that it is going to be extremely hard to kill without the use of RAI. That I will have to do experimental therapies to see if we can get it.
I'm 26, I have papillary thyroid cancer, and it was SUPPOSED to be "the easy one", or so I was told. This isn't how it was supposed to go.