I think things are starting to really go down hill for me. I mean, the cancer isn't back, but my depression is. My aunt passed away on Feb. 3rd, and even before then I was starting to show signs of depression. I feel like such a burden on my family and friends. Very much so with my parents since, while I am getting SSD it doesn't cover all my expenses (I do help out paying for groceries though).
I'm in community college at the moment, taking three classes, and since my aunt passed away, I've been behind (I've talked with my teachers about that and they're okay with me taking my time). I feel pathetic, I can't seem to handle this. My focus is all off and I just want to be left alone.
On Tuesday night I started thinking that maybe it would be better to stop taking all my pills and stuff, and maybe the cancer will come back and finish me off. So, when my parents and I went to see my oncologist on Wednesday (blood check, more chemo), I told him this (with encouragement from my parents) and my dad made an appointment with my psychiatrist at the hospital. So now I'm back on Abilify. Oh, and I've promised not to hurt myself or stop taking my meds (although really that's just out of obligation, not because I really want to).
I hate this. Eventually my parents will be retiring (one in the next few years), and I feel guilty about not being more successful with work (even before I got sick) and stuff. So now I can't do anything about how I feel (I don't know if the Abilify will work, the last chemotherapy made my tremor worse. My psychiatrist wants me to email her on the weekend to say how things are going, and I'll be seeing her on Tuesday I think (or Monday, my parents will remember).
So in short (bit too late for that), I hate myself and stuff.