I totally lost it on my mom yesterday, and now I feel like a complete a$$.
I had an appointment with my neurosurgeon on Friday and I was expecting to hear "Hey dude! Everything looks great! You rock!" but instead I hear, "Hummmm... looks like we didn't get as much as I would have liked..." and "I'm going to talk to a couple of other surgeons and I'll get back with you on Monday." Which I was totally prepared for having another surgery, but I would have liked to have known for sure, for whatever good it would do me, especially since I had just got back from the radiation oncologist and had the "man in the iron mask" thing done and psyched myself up to move to Houston for two months.
So I kept on a pretty even keel all weekend, but I was unable to get back with the doctor yesterday, which is all that was keeping me OK through the weekend. So last night I was really on edge.
So out of the blue I get a text message from my mom that said "Call us after you talk to the doctor" and for some reason it flew all over me, so, even though I knew that this would start a s**t storm, I texted back "Why would you think I wouldn't?" and then she sent back "I don't know."
And then I really lost it, called her, freaked out and was like "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I WOULDNT EFFIN CALL YOU!!! DO YOU JUST THINK I WOULD EFFIN FORGET THAT THIS IS GOING ON!!! ITS NOT LIKE AN EFFIN SORE THROAT HERE!!" Only a lot worse and a lot more mean.
So of course that made her start crying and all that and then I felt freaking horrible. Etc. etc. etc.
But I'm just sick of this going on, I'm tired of people giving this more thought than it deserves. I'm tired of the cocked heads and big, teary eyes and the "How are you feeling?" and "Are you doing alright?" Which I really appreciate it, but, DANG! I can only take so much! I just want it to be normal! I just don't feel this deserves all the attention that it's getting. Which totally contradicts me freaking out in the first place, because if it doesn't deserve getting upset over, why do I? so I don't really know.
And the worst are the texts from my sister, who is great by the way, don't get me wrong. But I swear I have like three in a row from her that just say "Love you" no punctuation, no explanation, no "Hey bro! Heard your doctor visit sucked a$$, Just wanted you to know I love you!" just "Love you" like she's all mysterious and emo like out of a Twilight movie or something.
And then in some situations, I'm like "Did you really just bring that up?" Because I know I'm supposed to be relaxed, and not stressed, and keep the blood pressure down and everything, and everyone else knows this too, and so like my mother in law decided that last week was the perfect time to state that she was so upset that I didn't like her and that she didn't know why there was "so much tension in our relationship." But did she decide to throw this on me? NO!! She decided to run it through a middle man, my wife, and to stress her out. Which is freaking probably the most inconsiderate thing I can think of her doing because my wife is already trying to buffer all this freaking drama associated with this cancer bulls**t and she's about at her wits end already too. Which makes me more stressed to think about her being stressed that if I just had it all myself. I'm just like, come the eff on people, what the hell are you thinking?
I just hope me being on this end gives me good insight in to how to treat others when they are in similar situations. This post has gotten WAY beyond anything I originally intended, I don't want to sound like an unappreciative snob and so I hope yall don't take it that way. I called my mom and apologized profusely and sent her flowers this morning, and I'm just going to try to remember that people deal with things in different ways and it's not for me to freak out on them, just to accept them and find what they really mean in the middle of all the randomness.