I just don't understand.

I really need to vent, mostly because so much has bottled up inside of me and I just can't take it anymore. I was diagnosed with Hodgkins lymphoma over Christmas break, just a week before I was supposed to leave to study abroad in Italy for a month. As a senior in college, I was estatic to study abroad, and of course was devasted when I had to cancel it just days before. I decided to take a trip to Florida for just 4 days before I had my port put in, just to get some sun and nice weather before I started chemo. Unfortunately, just a few days before my boyfriend and I wre supposed to leave, I got a call telling me to get to the hospital ASAP because they found way too much fluid around my heart in my routine muga scan procedure. So I canceled Florida, and landed myself in the hospital for over a week, only to leave with a tube coming out of my chest for weeks, draining the never-ending fluids from my heart.

I will be completing my 4th out of 12 chemo treatments tomorrow morning, and I am NOT looking forward to it. Not taht they have been all too horrible. Its just that its now my last semester in college, and I want to be with my friends and enjoy life as much as they do. I try to live a normal life as possible, as I have been taking classes and continuing my internship, but I am constantly so tired and frequently get anxious out of nowhere. My boyfriend has been SO supportive for the most part, as has my family. My boyfriend moved in with my family for the month that I was supposed to be in Italy, which was super helpful and reassuring. Unfortunetly, since we have been back at school, we have been experiencing some problems that I do not know how to solve.

Last week, I started texting an old "hook-up" from sophomore year. Things ended between us sophomore year once I rushed a sorority and he started baseball season up (he is a pitcher). We fell out of contact, and eventually, I started dating my current boyfriend. My boyfriend and I have now been dating for almost 2 years, but I have lately felt the strong, strong desire for excitement and mystery in my life. This makes me so sad, because i LOVE my boyfriend to death, and he has been there for me so much. But lately I cant help but hang out with my old baseball friend and lie to my boyfriend about it. The thing is, i would NEVERRRR cheat on my boyfriend with him. Its mostly innocent flirting and just hanging out with other people, never one-on-one.

I am just so confsued by my life at this point and I don't know waht to do anymore. I have been trying SO hard to remain positive, but I am losing my hair, have scars uo the wazoo, and am now engaging in self-destructive behaviors which I don't even understand.

I know I am rambling right now but I really could use some advice or insight as to what the heck I am going through. Thank you.


  • 4 Comments sorted by Votes Date Added
  • iQaisariQaisar Community Member

    Deep sympathy for what you're going through. I will keep you in prayers for a speedy recovery. :)

    I'm really happy that your family and your boyfriend are keeping a close hand to you in support. The fact that your boyfriend is going to reaches to help you shows the character of his care & kindness, and that is something rare to discover out of people who you spend your time with. Make sure that is not lost, he must be a special guy. :)

    I am also a College student (Freshman) and understand the certain pressures that is leashed when oneself is ill, tho I can't compare to the load you have as a Senior and battling Hodgkins. You seem to be a very smart girl being able to intern and study abroad, that enough shows how strong you are and I'm not saying that for mere condolences. Keep your studies intact and don't weave off course, as long as you do to your best potential, you will be fine.

    As far as to your divulging in excitement, it's actually natural. After I was diagnosed, it became tiresome going through treatments and checking up at the hospital, I wanted to live normally and look for new things to try. This is just part of trying to live normally as a patient. Go out and try new things and cherish the moments you do, there is nothing compared to treasured memories with family & friends...keep making them! As for the baseball friend, first of all, don't lie to your boyfriend about him that will just create a stir and it seems clear that that's not what you want. He's doing so much for you and is kindheartedly a amazing guy I bet. There is nothing wrong with hanging out with an old friend but lying about it to someone your close to is on the edge.

    Keep trying hard, you are definitely tackling it right. You have a circle of family and friends around you, don't forget that they love you and are there to help you. A boyfriend with such a huge heart, a family of the greatest care and friends of sympathy....these people are going to make your life easier and happy at tougher times. Don't bottle up, remember all the people around that want to listen. More importantly, it's you who must keep positive and happy, and you have to protect it. People can't do something for themselves, that they say you can't do. In everyone's life the inner light goes out for a little, but it can be rekindled by someone near you. Don't think your life has been pausing, turn it around for your choosing. Cancer can change our lives, often for the better. We learn the importance of things we overlook, acknowledge our time and everything around you...if you can do that you certainly are a winner. But you also find that you're stronger than you've ever been. The best medicine is laughter and smiling.

    Sorry, I just got back from work and don't know if that's really a good insight. I'll follow up once I'm with energy.
    Take care of yourself please and just remember to smile. :)
  • ambreenambreen Community Member
    I'm exactly where you are. I was diagnosed with Hodgkins just before winter break, too, and am beginning my 5th cycle of treatment. I'm a sophomore in college and I had to drop all my classes from last semester because I missed a month of school while the doctors were still trying to diagnose me. This semester, I just took one class to keep myself busy. I was planning on taking more but with chemo it just wasn't working out for me. So I'll probably end up graduating a year late which I really don't want to do. But right now, the important thing is to focus on my health. Graduating on time won't be worth anything if I'm unhealthy. I think its great that your still able to study and keep your internship. Having something to do helps keep your mind off things. But if you feel like the work load from school is becoming too much and is tiring, then don't be afraid to drop a few classes. Your health is more important than that.

    As for wanting excitement, thats totally normal. I feel that way too sometimes. I just get tired of going from treatment to treatment and I feel like I need to get away and just live normally. I have chemo every other week so during my off weeks, me and my brother plan different things to do. We always do something different like road trips, site seeing, anything really. I love it because during that time, cancer is the last thing on my mind. The only thing we think about is being happy and having a good time. Surrounding yourselves with friends and family is the best thing you can do during this time. On days when your feeling well enough, get some of you friends together and just go for a drive. Do things you always wanted to but never had time to. Do things that make you happy. With all the free time I have, I was able to start painting again. I forgot how much fun that was! I also started taking a ceramics class just for kicks. Its a lot of fun and actually kinda therapeutic!

    I think you're really lucky to have such a great boyfriend who is there to support you. If you have a good support system, then you can make it through anything. And from what it sounds like, you have an amazing one!
  • iQaisariQaisar Community Member
    Agree completely.

    Just go out and rediscover the things you did that make you happy. Explore new activities and just grab a friend and spend time together. As long as you have fun is what's going to matter. I joined Taekwondo after being out of Martial Arts for so long and it has been a great experience. I've made new friends and found sort of a second home there and there like family.
  • Sorry to hear what you are going through. It my sound trivial at first but I try to find at least one small thing every day that makes me happy, no matter how tiny or silly it may seem. It will get better over time, for me the more positive I try to be the better I feel, even if sometimes I have to force the positive out a little.
    I hope things turn up for you. Let me know if you ever want to talk. I know for a fact that it's can be easy to get into self destructive behaviours especially under stress like this, If you're not comfortable talking to freinds or family please feel free to message me anytime.
    Good Luck.