I really need to vent, mostly because so much has bottled up inside of me and I just can't take it anymore. I was diagnosed with Hodgkins lymphoma over Christmas break, just a week before I was supposed to leave to study abroad in Italy for a month. As a senior in college, I was estatic to study abroad, and of course was devasted when I had to cancel it just days before. I decided to take a trip to Florida for just 4 days before I had my port put in, just to get some sun and nice weather before I started chemo. Unfortunately, just a few days before my boyfriend and I wre supposed to leave, I got a call telling me to get to the hospital ASAP because they found way too much fluid around my heart in my routine muga scan procedure. So I canceled Florida, and landed myself in the hospital for over a week, only to leave with a tube coming out of my chest for weeks, draining the never-ending fluids from my heart.
I will be completing my 4th out of 12 chemo treatments tomorrow morning, and I am NOT looking forward to it. Not taht they have been all too horrible. Its just that its now my last semester in college, and I want to be with my friends and enjoy life as much as they do. I try to live a normal life as possible, as I have been taking classes and continuing my internship, but I am constantly so tired and frequently get anxious out of nowhere. My boyfriend has been SO supportive for the most part, as has my family. My boyfriend moved in with my family for the month that I was supposed to be in Italy, which was super helpful and reassuring. Unfortunetly, since we have been back at school, we have been experiencing some problems that I do not know how to solve.
Last week, I started texting an old "hook-up" from sophomore year. Things ended between us sophomore year once I rushed a sorority and he started baseball season up (he is a pitcher). We fell out of contact, and eventually, I started dating my current boyfriend. My boyfriend and I have now been dating for almost 2 years, but I have lately felt the strong, strong desire for excitement and mystery in my life. This makes me so sad, because i LOVE my boyfriend to death, and he has been there for me so much. But lately I cant help but hang out with my old baseball friend and lie to my boyfriend about it. The thing is, i would NEVERRRR cheat on my boyfriend with him. Its mostly innocent flirting and just hanging out with other people, never one-on-one.
I am just so confsued by my life at this point and I don't know waht to do anymore. I have been trying SO hard to remain positive, but I am losing my hair, have scars uo the wazoo, and am now engaging in self-destructive behaviors which I don't even understand.
I know I am rambling right now but I really could use some advice or insight as to what the heck I am going through. Thank you.