I'm in a really bad place

I'm 27, had brain surgery at 17. I went to college and tried to hide it from everyone and here I am 10 years later and I feel like everyone stares at me for I dont stare at them. I got so self conscious about everyone staring at me that I've stopped looking at people and my life has become such a downward spiral of constant bullies and assholes (pardon my language only word) who see this male has mental issues going on and I'm challenged. My whole life I always was fearless and smart and have done so much in my life that many spoiled rich kids would think I was lying about...building a house, sharpening knives for work, dishwashing...etc.
I've finally had a enough of the world using me as a punching bag that I decided today I was going to reach out to my parents which killed me to do (pun?) and told them I need to be helped mentally.
I have worked since I was 13, yet here I am with a college degree and cant get hired for anything since my last two BIG jobs let me go for Corporate layoffs (both times I was just the unlucky person). So I'm not well saved, I have no insurance, and cant get any check ups or do anything.

In short, people see weakness in my character and everyone wants to push me around. I cant think of the last time a girl talked to me, I purposely have to look away so I dont offend someone by me looking at them. My friends tell me Im good looking and this is all in my head, but the worst part is how they dont understand the way I feel and the evil I feel in others. I've often made the claim that even a holy priest would walk diagonally towards me just to shoulder bump me.

So what led to this post is that my parents who I had told a few times (since I cant tell my friends or anyone else) I told them the thoughts I have and how everyday is worse than the last for me....and it killed me to tell my parents, but I cant take this anymore.
They recomend me going to see someone but I cant "be strong and change my mind like I usually do!" this is what my father said, when meanwhile I have been asking them for help for years. My father talked about how his friends sons killed himself "but he had demons.." what do you think I have?

I cant take this anymore. Ask those who know me, I try to be the nicest guy but i get so mentally exhausted from this act that Im burnt out. I'm afraid to go on medication... and especially since I'm poor and have no insurance. I'm paycheck to paycheck. I just dont get what I did to deserve this. When I was 13 I was able to walk into a pizza place and get a job at a snap. I walked in one the other day and it was the saddest moment when they seriously laughed at me for asking for a job.

Havent posted here in a while, could really use some love tonight. I'm a creative person who honestly just wants to make others happy and yet here I am the saddest person on the planet right now. I'm beginning to understand more and more the type of pain guys like Chris Farley and Robin Williams experienced.


open to calls if any stranger wants to talk and relate. You cant imagine how much it would mean to me.
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  • 5 Comments sorted by Votes Date Added
  • juls4juls4 Community Member
    You are not alone in how you feel. I dealt with many of the same feelings before I had cancer. Your mind can make it seem like everyone you come in contact with is evil. When people stare at me I give them a big smile and it often changes how they see me.

    I would suggest talking to the social worker at the hospital where you were treated. They often have information about how to obtain affordable insurance or Medicare. I would strongly recommend talking to a therapist. I have found it to be extremely helpful during my cancer Journey. I can either vent, ask for suggestions about how to deal with problems in my life, and it really helps to hear ideas and solutions from someone else as I tend to be so negative that I see no options. I don't know what your physical or mental scars are, but your writing makes you sound intelligent and capable so don't give up, I'm sure there's a job for you out there. Sometimes a change of scenery is also helpful. Is moving to a new area, not too far from family an option? When I moved to a different state I felt like I got to start over and it was easier to be optimistic and to see the friendly faces in crowds of strangers. If I lived closer, I take you out to coffee, but unfortunately I'm up in New England. Also you should know that many forums have thousands of members and response times are much faster than on this website. I have felt very supported by using several different forums to discuss the challenges of cancer. Good luck.
  • Cancer is incredibly isolating. I am also currently in a long stretch of unemployment. I think the fact that you reached out and shared the pain your going through is incredibly brave. Vulnerability is not weakness, it takes A LOT of strength to share your challenges. Cancer changes our bodies and how we think about ourselves. We are left with physical and mental scars that take a great deal of effort to deal with. It makes sense that you feel isolated and that you feel that others are against you because you faced a major threat on your life. BUT there are resources out there. There are organizations like Imerman Angels that connect you with other cancer survivors. Also on this cite there are links to find local cancer support groups. I'm sorry you're going through this, I know it's hard to apply for jobs when you feel like no one wants to hire a cancer survivor. After years of treatment I went back to school and I have gotten internships. Those places didn't search me that hard, because a lot of cancer stuff pops up for me too. But they took me on and have no idea I have had cancer. It's a long road back but there is hope out there. Feel free to message me on here.
  • SlattsSlatts Community Member
    I already regret posting this. My inner thoughts just have been escalating and ever since the surgery my daily life has been me wondering what everyone thinks of me, and if they can tell I'm "weak."

    I'm a hard worker and smart, I know thats not very humble of me, but it just hurts to be dealing with these mental issues that I try to hide from everyone but when I realize that no one is hiring me, girls wont look at me, and strangers all challenge...I just feel like everyone enjoys my pain too much. I don't expect to see any responses on this post that no one believes. I seriously feel like I have this energy in my body that evil people get attracted to or better yet, every person, and they decide that they should do something to me to let me know I'm a lessor man. Because I am kind and have been through so much that I understand empathy, thats a signal to the world that they can make me feel bad about myself later. Like they go home that night and smile in their bed thinking about what they did to me that day. I know people talk to their friends about this redhead they saw who they just wanted to punch in the face or they say to their friends "do you ever think that some people shouldnt be allowed in public..."

    I used to want to make people smile and laugh with my original jokes, music, and poetry, but I'm starting to think that they will never be discovered and that honestly the world doesnt deserve em... I dont think it deserves me, I hold too many doors and have done too many nice deeds for this living hell. I feel like I'm on the Truman Show, everyone knows who I am and enjoys my suffering. I just want a shot at life, let me work, talk to me, loosen up, I dont want to be silent, but I'm silent because the world wants me silent..I walk into a room and everyone is on their phones texting their friends about yours truly and how disgusting and poor I am. I've worked my whole life. Yet now in these times, no one wants to even respond to my resume. What did I do? Why so many haters?
  • SlattsSlatts Community Member
    edited August 29 Vote Up0Vote Down
    Final thought...and an optimistic one.
    I'm in a bad place right now, but just coming on here and knowing others are winning their fights is inspiring. I have these mood swings where I can be sobbing by myself to laughing about how stupid it is to cry over the imbeciles who bully me.

    I think we can all relate here to the notion that going through the ideals that some of us have faced, has made us "wise beyond our years" and I guess thats a reason why I dont get why people have to push me around...its like others dont see the big picture of how important and unique each one of us are/can be.

    I love all of you and I can only wish that someone would love me back...
  • SlattsSlatts Community Member
    Exactly one week later and no love from this site. I know my post was deep, dark and selfish to type that out but I thought someone could show me the light or recommend that they got medication.
    I am 7 days worse than I was....and picture how this feels people.... I felt bad then, now I spilt my guts hoping someone would relate or tell me everything will be okay, or any HELP.
    Instead, no its just like every other day...looks like people read my posts, and laughed at my pain. This all being said, I mean these posts...I've havent told my best friends this or anyone really. I'm just getting very exhausted.

    I've thought before how much I regret getting my surgery.. I shouldve taken the chance and maybe have a stroke in my 30s like the doc said....better than wasting my 20s feeling like I'm the most hated person whenever I walk in a room.

    I live in Northern NJ and desperately need help.... as I type this I keep thinking wow, people can read my pain. Someone can search my name, an employer, and see this now.... think about how this makes me feel?

    to quote Pink Floyd: