By: Cindy Trice, AYA Cervical Cancer Survivor

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Oncology Nurse and I’m your chief flight attendant. On behalf of Captain Oncologist and the entire crew, welcome aboard Airlines flight 81704 with non-stop service from diagnosis to remission. We will be flying with an attitude of positivity and a ground speed that, at times, will feel slower than a sloth. Thank you. 

Flight attendants, please prepare your patients for departure. 

The captain has turned on the You’ve Got Cancer sign. Please stow your responsibilities, vacation plans and normal routine underneath the seat in front of you. Make sure your courage and stamina are in their full upright position. 

We remind you that this is a non-joking flight. Joking is prohibited on the entire aircraft, including the lavatories. Tampering with, disabling, or destroying the lavatory joke detectors is prohibited by law. Just kidding. Humor is healthy and encouraged. 

There are several emergency doors on this aircraft, 2 forward, 2 aft and 1 over each wing. Each door is equipped with individuals who will safely guide you through every calamity. Please take a few moments to locate the doors with your nearest friend, family member, or professional. 

Red blood cell levels are always being monitored. In the event of severe anemia, a bag of blood will automatically appear in front of you. To start the flow of blood, pull the tubing, attach it firmly to your IV catheter, and secure with a band of tape. Then recline and contemplate the generous stranger whose donation will save your life. 

Located in a pouch under your seat is a collection of get-well cards. When instructed to do so, open the plastic pouch, and remove the cards. To inflate your heart, pull a card firmly out of its envelope and read all the words carefully to let the expressions of sympathy, love, and compassion soak into your soul. 

Also, the caregiver next to you can be used as a flotation device in the event you feel you are drowning in sorrow. Turn toward the person, slip your arms around their waist, and hug them closely to your chest.

In a few moments, the flight attendants will be passing through the cabin to offer you popsicles and jello. If you experience gastric turbulence, vomit bags are located in the seat pocket in front of you. Now, sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight. 

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Flight attendants, please prepare for landing. 

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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to remission. The local weather is overcast but clearing to sunny skies with an 80% chance of 5-year survival. For your safety and comfort, please remain seated until the captain has read the results of your post treatment PET scan. Please use caution when opening the overhead bins as your priorities may have shifted during the flight. 

On behalf of the entire crew of dedicated oncology professionals, I’d like to thank you for joining us on this voyage. Enjoy your second chance at life or wherever your remission may take you. We look forward to never seeing you on board one of our flights again.